#434: Big Star, "#1 Record" (1972)

“I was outside at this bar on the nicest day of the year so far, and there was this little boy—I don’t know—how old are little kids when they’re about two and half feet tall and can’t walk right yet? You know, when they run around on tip-toe with both arms out like little birds because they don’t have any balance—what’s that, three or something? It’s so fucking cute, they just instinctively sense that if they put their arms straight out they might not eat it, but this kid ate it bad--BAM—and busted his nose, howled for like ten minutes. I heard his mom say it was his first bloody nose. Can you imagine? First Bloody Nose: that’s a damn mile-marker. He got scooped up, his mom wiped his face, and then he went after it again, arms out, like Ain’t no one goin’ to turn me ‘round.”

“When I first heard Big Star, I was in college in Ohio, far from home. My friend slid the CD into the car stereo, and I asked him whether Big Star was named after the grocery store. He looked at me like I was crazy, but I knew Big Star first as the place my teenaged sister disappeared most nights to work as a cashier, where she pushed carts into tight rows under the street lights’ incandescent glow, to pay for the car she’d totaled almost immediately after it showed up in our driveway. When I heard the opening of ‘Feel’

“—Yeah, that first, nasty, descending progression of ‘Feel’—the cheap guitar tone of fucking champions; that’s the strut of dudes who are pretty certain they’re going to rule, guys who figure the words Big and Star as reasonable, even just, descriptions of the endeavor, a logic that extends to the title #1 Record: this the unassailable logic of untried champions. Yeah, that guitar part sounds like Manifest Destiny as discovered in somebody’s mom’s basement—”

“—When I first heard ‘Feel,’ when I first heard Big Star in my friend’s car in Ohio, it was like sliding back into Memphis in an instant: that winding Midwestern road disappears and I’m in the backseat of my mother’s car, six years old. We’re pulling into the Big Star parking lot to pick up my sister—sixteen-years old, so wild and mysterious—from her night shift. Those neon lights, those warm, brilliant opening chords of ‘The Ballad of El Goodo’ slide over my skin and I’m in Overton Square in 1972, and everyone’s at a show at TGI Friday’s or out on the street, traffic blocked up in all directions. All I can feel is all that promise, the energy of all those crowds on that street which would be abandoned in ten years’ time, the buildings left empty and shuttered.”

“In its most fantastic moments, you get the sense listening to Big Star that, in the trans-Atlantic ping-pong match of bad-boy blues rock that occupied so much of the sixties and seventies, these boys from Memphis had actually learned something. Like really bright kids at school, they’d paid attention, and learned something useful, something they could practically apply. The delivery on #1 Record is so assured because there’s no prior experience to diminish their certainty and that’s heartbreaking in hindsight. There’s a tenderness buried beneath the bluster that makes it actually infectious—”

“By the time Big Star chooses their name, sitting on the curb, staring at the Big Star grocery store’s neon lights, Alex’s voice is completely transformed: he’s in his twenties when he records the vocals for ‘Thirteen,’ and he sounds his own age, maybe for the first time. His voice is stripped down and vulnerable but never precious, more aching than sweet.”

Agreed. Not precious, not even a little. ‘Thirteen’ is in essence, not just a perfect pop song, but it manages to sound actually sincere and un-self-conscious, like the artifice is inseparable from the experience. It’s fantastic and devastating. There are moments on the record that are eerie and almost uncanny. Jesus, why is that, that when rock music is accurate, like clinically accurate in its description of heartbreak, when rock music is so accurate, so representative of human affairs, that it’s always conducted by the hands of children? They were kids!”

“For Alex, thirteen was the year before it all took off, the year before he stopped showing up to classes at Central High School and his deceptively gruff voice, sounding decades older than it was, started showing up on the radio. While other kids went to school, Alex showed up in televised, lip-syncing performances with the Box Tops. They mime playing at the organs and guitars, making faces at the camera, improvising bizarre dance moves, barely keeping up the guise. Alex can hardly hold eye contact with the camera but he’s trying, his hair hanging lank over his sharp-angled face, lips curled into a grimace that might be hiding a grin. And that’s him, too, later—Big Star was always the thing pushed right up against its opposite: ‘Thirteen,’ both ode and elegy to adolescence. The band name and the album title both suspended somewhere between a sincere boast and an ironic joke. Jody seemed worried that calling the album #1 Record might jinx them. But each track was—is—so inarguably good, so irresistibly catchy. Like you said, infectious…”

“Yeah. It’s the incautious enthusiasm, the novel understanding of defeat, the way a thirteen-year-old knows defeat. I know it’s impossible, but their first record sounds like a near complete absence of self-consciousness. I know that can’t be true in fact, but it feels and sounds like some moment of innocence, some little hermetically sealed chamber, with the lid taken off. Like pop music was still capable of being un-self-conscious.”

“Listening to Big Star now, I still somehow manage to dream up a new ending, where the records sell the way they were supposed to, where Chris Bell doesn’t die at twenty-seven years old, where Alex Chilton doesn’t die at all, ever, but keeps making weird, perfect music that seems somehow new each time I hear it. In this imagined ending, I can mention Big Star in a room full of people and everybody knows them, where everybody argues over which Big Star song they love most.”

“Listen to Third/Sister Lovers. It’s the lonesomest record in the world, not just on its own, not just because there’s defeat practically oozing out of the speakers, but because there was a beginning in #1 Record and a middle with Radio City and Third is the end. I just don’t know how to talk about Big Star without talking about the whole run. They were a perfectly narrative band: beginning, middle, end. It’s like Plato’s house band or something. I think about that kid outside the bar—for him, that bloody nose was still just an aberration: get a bloody nose, pick yourself up, run around some more. Big Star makes a great record that eats shit, they get up and make another record, and another, figuring next time maybe they won’t get a bloody nose. What I want to know is, would Big Star have done it if they knew how fucking bad it was going to hurt?"

—Joe Manning & Martha Park

#435: Nirvana, "In Utero" (1993)

Kurt has promised to keep an eye on the baby while Court runs out for groceries. The baby is asleep in the middle of her parents’ king bed, splayed out and vulnerable, eyelids shuddering intermittently. Her onesie is striped purple and white, and bears a small spit-up stain just below the collar. In this context, it seems to say, Yes, I am able to eat, but I will not hold it all in simply because you expect it of me. In fact, just because you do, I will not. Blech.

Kurt lies next to Bean flipping through an old Cosmo he’s not sure why he has. He’s vaguely certain he took it weeks ago from the doctor’s waiting room. His gut burns, as usual, but today it is a mild burn, more like bad gas than death, and as a result it barely registers. The magazine’s mostly only getting flipped through, though every now and then Kurt stops long enough to black out the eyes of the ad models with a Sharpie whose butt he chews between vandalisms. There is nothing to this day. There’s not a lot of sun coming in, and the apartment is quiet but for the phantom riff in the back of his head; he’s not sure if it’s his or from a new Nike commercial.

Kurt’s been thinking a lot lately about who he is. Sometimes he’s certain he’s suffering from amnesia. He knows he is a father, and he knows he knows himself best, can feel himself most vividly, when acting dadly. Or in ways he assumes dads act: jet-plane mashed pea delivery, constant hum-driven cradling, bathtime, storytime, patience. But all the in-between parts he gets fuzzy on. What’s he done himself, and what’s he read or heard elsewhere about his life? He makes music sounding mostly like all his favorite music, not trying, not really, to make it better, just trying to do it justice. He sings and sometimes screams. He loves his wife and sometimes wants to kill her. He knows the feeling’s mutual, and he knows it’s what’s keeping them both alive. His name feels amorphous, his gender irrelevant, his future ultimately idle. He’s not so into the cameras, the interviews, the hoopla, but he remembers wanting it constantly only years ago. He is a prehistoric beast caught mid-motion by the meteor: more spectacle than human, more already dead than just thinking about it.

Bean stretches, turns, puckers. She is dreaming about her dad as a skeleton, the kind from the old Mickey Mouse cartoon, the bones that sing and dance in sync. In her sleeping mind, she laughs and claps her hands together, applauding his movements, very much digging the thrill of live performance, the goofy way her daddy moves in clatters. Bone-on-bone, one-step, two-step. She is unafraid; she loves this man.

Illustration by Annie Mountcastle

Illustration by Annie Mountcastle

In a few days, Kurt’ll be off to a soundstage to make the music video for his band’s next single. The song’s not about anything, not really, but if it has to be, it’s about Courtney. About how he hates her, fears her, loves her. About her vagina and his daughter and his mother. Actually, maybe it isn’t so much about nothing as it is about a lot. The video will be red and hellish and feature a Christ figure in a Santa hat crucifying himself in the first 30 seconds. Kurt feels about the concept the same way he feels about the new record: he isn’t sure how much of it is him taking his fans to tasklaughing in their faces, waving his money aroundand how much of it is genuine. Only one more way he’s lost track of where he begins and where, if anywhere, he ends.

He is both thrilled and neurotic about this new album, about the number of ways a number of people are bound to hate it, but he tries not to think too much about it. Court would tell him to stop being such an asshole, a narcissist, a total buzzkill. He knows she’s right, and so does she. Their daughter makes a little gurgling sound, so Kurt gently picks her up and holds her against his shoulder, rubbing her back almost imperceptibly. He sings “SOS,” the ABBA song he can’t stop playing as of late, and his voice is quiet and sweet even when filling in all the guitar parts.

Sometimes he can’t help but see himself beyond himself and wish somehow this image could get out to the rest of the world without the image itself imploding. That is to say: the secret little life he and this smaller half-he on good days get to experience. Mom at the store, the band doing their own thing, whatever it is he doesn’t even start considering. He isn’t bored, isn’t bent double, isn’t hiding. He is sitting on his unmade bed and listening to his daughter dream about nothing but him. He has weighed his life and found himself mostly OK. No idol, no rock star, no artist, but OK. In this low light, this new person’s weight laid restless across him, he is happy, or could be. No: is, most certainly.

—Brad Efford

#436: Beck, "Sea Change" (2002)

The Golden Age

I drive home from Tennessee in gusty rain, caught in a storm of semis, trapped in narrowing highway traffic. Overdone by the stress of driving, flashing back on our accident, I get off at Newport and wind my way up into the leafy mountains. Pop in a mixtape and listen as Beck croaks: “Put your hands on the wheel, let the golden age begin.” The grades are steep. Detour at a downed bridge. (“Window down, the moonlight on your skin…”) I get lost in the drizzle and fog: passing for miles tumbledown barns and lonely horses in corners of tiny fields; a fast-filling river studded with fly fisherman. (“Treacherous road with a desolated view...”) Electric again on the switchbacks, I allow the music and rain to wash me raw. (“Drive all night just to feel like you’re okay…”) By the time I come to the turn for Hot Springs, I have returned to an earlier self, pre-accident. I sing along, yearning for stasis, to be content with simple things, wishing hard to come back. (“Doesn‘t even get by, I don’t even try, I don’t even try…”)
 

Paper Tiger

Fight or flight, my therapist tells me. (“Just like a paper tiger…”) That root impulse. Cellular tug. But how often are you really in danger? Hardly ever. (“No more ashes to ashes, no more cinders from the sky…”) Though I want to wrap my hands around that driver’s neck. To slam my car into the back of his sedan. Yell fuck you or throw a punch. And the hot flashes of shame and self-loathing? What of those? Where do I go then? Where are you in your body? Can you feel your feet? (“All the laws of creation, tell a dead man how to die…”) Too busy coaxing myself out of that oak outside the window. Unable to differentiate branches and feelings. Can you follow your breath? I nod. I can do that. (“…the desert down below us, the storm’s up above….”) And I walk a few steps in this way and, after a while, drop back down into my body (“Like a stray dog gone defective, like a paper tiger in the sun…”)—tired, sore, sad, scared. (“Like a broken diamond…”) Ok, I say, I can do that. (“Hold onto nothing…”)
 

Guess I’m Doing Fine

I woke this morning to birdcall and a far-off train. (“There’s a bluebird at my window, I can hear the songs he sings…”) No subway rumble, bus hiss, traffic clamor. I lay in the dark and assessed my condition. (“Oh the jewels from heaven they don’t look the same to me…”) Left hip tight. Body stiff and achy the way it used to be a year out. Right leg a little weak, dull pulse in the femur at each break. (“I just wait the tide’s to turn, oh I yearn to leave the past behind…”) Left foot a block, stiff at the ankle, like someone has strapped tape over the top of my arch and pulled tight. (“Guess I am doin’ fine…”) Even my ribcage makes itself known here and there—with a tiny blare of pain at the sternum where it hit steering wheel. Must have been all those cement sidewalks, hundreds of subway steps. (“Rest my face up against the window, see how warm it is inside…”) Everything about New York takes extra effort, someone said. I can take this soreness, this tightness. (“See the things that I’ve been missing, missing all this time…”) I can take it.
 

Lonesome Tears

As we moved through our recovery, away from the wreckage, month after month, I relied on a trick of thought to get through the difficult hours. Would say to myself: Another hour, then sleep. Two more days ‘til the weekend. Another few weeks and… (“I don’t need them anymore…”) Like smoking a bowl or turning on an afternoon episode of Mad Men. Walking along an endless turn that never straightened out, always peering around the bend. (“Lonesome tears, I can’t cry them anymore”) Now, wanting life to return to its normal cadence, to re-inhabit it hour by hour, I have become immensely restless—like a night traveler stepping out of his car in some lonely gas station stretching, (“I don’t need them anymore…”) drawing in a few deep breaths before folding back into the car and driving again. (“Lonesome tears, I can’t cry them anymore”)
 

Photograph by Marie Sicola

Photograph by Marie Sicola

Lost Cause

(“Baby you’re lost, baby you’re lost, baby you’re a lost cause…”) Not the abruptly slowing cars ahead, or the way traffic snarled to a standstill, not inching forward as the right lane merged with the left, (“Leave you here, wearing your wounds…”) not the blinking lights ahead, nor the ambulance sprawled sideways across the lanes; not the men and women huddled in the breakdown lane, not even the one automobile, turned over on its hood, door ajar. (“They see you coming, they see you go…”) None of it stirred my son and his friend from their video game cocoon, never once looking up to see. And on the way back from the match, late afternoon light cutting sideways across the lanes, visor down to block the blare, I passed the exit for 221, the road we crashed on at just this hour, heading up to Spruce Pine for a weekend getaway. (“There’s a place where you are going you ain’t never been before…”) I kept us straight on 40, letting the quiet music carry me forward; and as we headed up the mountains, (“No one left to get your back now…”) the stench of burning brakes from the trucks coming down, with the sun now bright and triumphant behind the Black Hills calling out the oncoming night in trumpeting reds and yellows, (“I am tired of fighting I am tired of fighting, fighting for a lost cause…”) even I didn’t look up from my cocoon of driving and notice all the potential wreckage, even I didn’t flare up in my own body or lose hope for the future. (“Baby you’re lost, baby you’re lost, baby you’re a lost cause…”)

End of the Day

I remember the first time after the accident I stepped tenderly into my own shower. After months in a wheelchair, then lugging a walker, then a cane…I hadn’t had a real stand-up shower ever since the wreck. (“I have seen the end of the day come to soon…”) Free standing, head down, floating around the little steamy bubble like a sunflower, the water just a notch under scald…(“Not a lot to say, not a lot to do…”)…letting myself hope, maybe for the first time, that I’d get back to my old life, my old body, taking a peek of the night’s show on tiptoe…(“…Depression dogs beset after you, wasted time…”)

Round the Bend

I walk the river trail from parked car to community garden. A few summers back I’d toiled there before giving in to the weeds. (“We don't have to worry, life goes where it does…) The day is warm, finally, after weeks of cold, and the breeze arranging the treetops whispers hoarsely of rain as bamboo rustles and clacks. (“Faster than a bullet from an empty gun…”) I hoped the old ceramic Green Man I’d planted in the center of the plot would have remained, but only new rows lined by straw, an indent in the clay. (“Loose change we could spend”) The garden cabin porch is empty except one woman typing away on her laptop. The garden cat’s a shadow slink in the periphery. Some students are heading out to the river. Others gather round a fire-pit. I watch as someone pours out tea in mismatched cups to a circle of friends. A dog sniffs my pant leg then wanders off.  I sit on a stonewall overlooking the garden and write abandoned garden plot. A pair of crows argues up in branches. (“Turn”) I write: Green Man ceramic pressed into the earth. Gone.

Already Dead

The young woman who takes my ticket throws me a suspicious look. I stroll absent-mindedly through the aquarium, green lights and tanks on all sides. (“Time wears away all the pleasures of the day…”) Kids crisscross the space in random routes; adults converge in the corners. I hate so much about the place—the rows of bored sleepwalks drooling at the exhibits, the trapped fish—despise all the little expected surprises. (“Already dead to me now…”) Still, I can’t help circling back to the schooling fish exhibit: entranced by the cylinder of silver fish that revolves endlessly in a loop, bright scales flashing in and out in an aquatic weave. (“Because it feels like I am watching something die…”) There is a pad of stones beneath them, a whoosh of air from above like a mini carousel. There’s no leader, a kid points out to nobody in particular. I want to lean over and sneer: That’s right, kid. Get used to it. But I keep staring at the fish in school. (“On the edge of nothing more…”) The children wander off. I am left with the fish, their attentive, horrifying faces pressed against the smudged and scratched Plexiglas.

Side of the Road

At the back of a paperback pulled off the shelf, I find a few fragments of marginalia jotted years before. (“On a borrowed dime in different light…”) I have no recollection writing them. (“In a random room…”) He asked her to meet him in a strange city, at such and such a hotel, on the last Saturday of August. She hadn’t promised she’d come. But, if she did, he was sure it meant that everything they’d shared—all the unspoken glances and sparks between them—would bloom at the designated moment she walked into the hotel lobby. (“Kick an empty can across an empty floor…”) How strange to find my shadow version, no longer alive, sloughed off like a coat of snow. (“Let it pass on the side of the road…”) And, on the back page: They’d done all they could to salvage it; there was nothing left but to untangle their libraries. (“What a friend could tell me now…”)

—Sebastian Matthews

#437: Lil Wayne, "Tha Carter III" (2008)

At 3.8 million units sold and counting, Tha Carter III has got to be the best selling comedy album of all time. Leaked in 2007, then released as an official/unofficial mixtape later that same year, then officially released in 2008, this kaleidoscope vision of Wayne’s world (party on) is one of the most creative, fun, lazy, funny, frustrating, bizarre, etc. albums ever made. It’s a nasily laugh at a hip-hop industry begging Wayne to make good on the trending maturity of the first two Carter albums. They wanted an opus and they got a rubber chicken. Wayne wrote a relationship song where the metaphor is police brutality. He told us he was from Mars. He wrote, “Swagger tighter than a yeast infection.” I don’t think someone trying to carry hip-hop on his back as a serious artist writes that. Upon release, Tha Carter III defied expectations. It would go on to influence a generation of hip-hop by showing MCs how to be stupid again.

Take, for example, this lyric: “I do this shit for my clique like Adam Sandler,” or the fact that he tries to summon Beetlejuice by saying his name three times. Wayne sings the hook to Rihanna's “Umbrella” and, at the start of “Got Money,” arguably the album’s biggest club hit, Wayne screams, “I need a Winn-Dixie grocery bag full of money right now to the V.I.P.” On any other record, these could be isolated riffs on humor or just symptoms of good times and too much Promethazine. But in 2008, the release of Tha Carter III held the attention of an industry. Remember when part of the album leaked a year early and Wayne’s response was to add some tracks and release it as an official EP? Everyone wanted a piece of III and the demand was so huge, Wayne knew he could throw out tracks from the session at will and still have a hit. A ton was riding on III. People legit expected Lil Wayne to save hip-hop. And then Wayne raps, “I’m a venereal disease like a menstrual bleed.”

Yeah. He did that. And made it work about as much as you could expect a line like that to “work.”  The album sold millions and left everyone enthralled. It also disappointed people who were banking on Wayne finding that next level. Face it, Weezy isn’t in top form on Tha Carter III. I won’t break it down bar for bar, but just listen to “3 Peat” and “Mr. Carter.” These two tracks make up the messy, underwhelming introduction on Tha Carter III. The awkward monologue that starts “Mr. Carter” is an especially low low-point. On it, Wayne makes sure to let us know that when he says he feels big, he doesn’t mean that he feels heavy/fat. He means like, you know, size-wise. Well, thanks for that. Compare this to “The Mobb,” the five-minute coronation that opens Tha Carter II. No contest, “The Mobb” wins every time.

And the inconsistency pissed a bunch of people off. Reviewers were baffled. Fans, myself included, felt cheated. Now, looking back, it is almost fun to listen to Wayne phone it in on “Phone Home” and just not give a shit on  “Lollipop” (C’mon, the joke of “So I let her lick the wrapper” is so bad. It is a dad joke). Throw in Auto-Tune and David Banner’s insane beat for “La-La” and you wonder if Wayne’s been listening to Dr. Demento. (You could probably make a pretty rad beat out of Barnes & Barnes’ “Fish Heads” though.)

Who does this? Who produces this kind of album when the world is watching? It isn’t as simple as a squandered opportunity or wilting under pressure or running out of ideas….Tha Carter III is loaded with ideas. I’d like to think the album came together like it did because Wayne believed he was the best and he was going to have a good time. The joy of just removing filters and notions of cool and getting down. This music became the ultimate bravado move and ushered in a half-decade of “I don’t give a fuck” wanna-bes who clearly, desperately GAF. Tha Carter III might be that rare album where Wayne slipped one past the label, past the press, past all of us. Where the mess made just enough sense.

Much of the clutter doesn’t hold now. Today, Tha Carter III feels an order of magnitude more self-indulgent than it did in 2008. Back then, Wayne’s pedigree was enough to make you second guess your ears. But his post-Carter III outputRebirth (good lord, this thing), I Am Not a Human Being, Tha Carter IV, I Am Not A Human Being IIare all wildly uneven or downright bad. People aren’t anticipating Wayne records or clamboring for leaks anymore. No one is wondering if he’ll redefine the genre again. Wayne stopped caring what we thought until we stopped caring entirely. Has it gotten so bad that he needs a “comeback” album? Probably. But the beat on “A Milli” was the beat of the decade for 2000-2009. “Lollipop” is one of those songs that was so crazy I remember exactly where I was when I heard it for the first time. And “Let the Beat Build” is a very high high-point. They’re certainly enough to make you miss that summer of 2008, when Wayne was everywhere, laughing at it all.

—Steven Casimer Kowalski

#438: The Cure, "Boys Don't Cry" (1980)

“Killing an Arab” details the beach scene in Albert Camus’s The Stranger, where the main character Mersault somewhat inexplicably murders a man who earlier had a confrontation with Mersault’s acquaintance. Many misconstrued the song’s message and intent, and some copies of the album had a warning sticker, not for explicit language, but literary provenance, no doubt providing a point of entry, for many, to an exemplary angsty-young-man novel. The most direct influence on The Stranger, according to Camus, was James M. Cain’s classic noir The Postman Always Rings Twice.

---

I fired four shots more into the inert body, on which they left no visible trace. And each successive shot was another loud, fateful rap on the door of my undoing.

Albert Camus, The Stranger

 

The streetlight streaked the rain puddled on the pavement in long dull stripes like scrapes on a wounded tyke’s knee. Johnny Simile had been playing stickball down by third and Lex, took a dive into second, dinged himself up good, ran home and wailed bloody murder to Momma. Momma’s good for wiping away errant tears and the smooching of booboos; some momma’s good for rye and water and kisses elsewhere too, but that’s another story. Now just the salty street caressed by sodium dance.

Not a soul to be seen in this dismal drizzle save your faithful hero: some dunce of a cat not smart enough to step out of the storm. A habit I might’ve picked up in the war ducking around mildewed trenches, but I lived through it didn’t I, so I guess I ought to have been doing something right, despite Sarge McGrady’s many hard words otherwise. Me and Patches got nine lives, sure; Sarge was a real asshole. In the present delugeNiagara Falls gushing from the brim of my cap, feet squishing in drenched, holey socksI was coming back from meeting with Ol’ Joe Louis, an infantry pal from the Argonne, now local fuzz down the 16th precinct. We were rapping on a closed case from last winter, loose ends needed tying, shuffling papers on the table like so many spades and diamonds. Case was a real freakshow went by the name of Spiderman who was up and eating folks left and right. Creepy twink had a tagline even: “Don’t struggle like that or I’ll only love you more,” he’d say to the victim right before tucking in. We got wind by way he recorded the damn thing: a sight I’ll not once forget. Real sicko, that Spiderman. As luck would have it, slug between the eyes from my .357 got the worms eating him. Turnabout, I say. A thousand million shivering furry holes. We got some real sick shows in this town all right.

I ducked my head into my collar and quick stepped up the stairs to the front door of the brownstone and let myself in. My office’s on the third floor and I was huffing and puffing as I pushed past the stack of papers inside. I nabbed the top one off the pile and threw it on my desk; headline splay: Fire in Cairo. Same ol’, same ol’. I sparked a Morleys and stared out the window into a translucent haze, puffing away contented as a dragon perched on his booty. Dirty soles smudging the storied ink of our grey lady, relaxed and easy. It’s a life.

The name’s Bob if you were wondering, Bob Smith. Some right unoriginal saps pushed me out into the world; makes for a real gyp in the Yellow Pages, you better believe. Have to shell out for an 1/8 page ad to stand out from all the other yokels. Picture of a gat and a smile, Bob’s your Uncle, no case too strange, no offer too small. Olly olly oxen free. Spécialité de la maison: divorce and blackmail jobs. Yeah, yeah, you sussed it right, I’m a PI, a Private Dick, and somebody has to pay the bills around here (that’d be me), Yellow Pages included. Samsara’s a real bitch. This particular spin of the demon wheel all started last winter. This dame come in the office all bluster and misgiven accuracy. So what. Yeah, till she plunks a couple of C-notes down on the desktop and I’m all ears. Right foxy bird too. The lady and the tramp, that’s us. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Same old sob story but boys don’t cry, we just stamp our feet and scream a little.

Turns out this broad was summering over in AlgiersI checked the atlas, smart guyand ended up putting a couple holes in a local cabana boy. Some accusations this way and that, but a lonely beach and just the two of them; the sand don’t speak. Well-heeled she was, they got it straight enough to get her repatriated. But now she’s spooked, see, thinks she brought home a little more than her souvenir Aladdin’s lamp and a notch on her gun belt. The boy’s soul in her hands. Nothing concrete: noises, flashes, feeling she’s not alone. Echoes of footsteps following close behind. That kind of thing. That’s why I’m sitting in my office wet as a duck’s ass rather than down at Ed’s Tavern drowning in something else entirely. Bills, remember?

I must have got some shut eye quick because when I wake up the rain’s stopped, just the tap dripping in the other room. Where is this dame? Ten-fifteen Saturday night and the tap drips, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip…

To be continued

—Erik Wennermark

#439: Sam Cooke, "Live at the Harlem Square Club, 1963" (1985)

The middle school dance is full of velvet and glitter and white kids dancing to soul music.

The middle school dance is a kaleidoscope of weeping under the water fountain.

The middle school dance is a school of fish that are getting their friends to get his friends to ask him to dance.

The middle school dance is a faith.

The middle school dance is a pin in the wrist, a bone corsage.

The middle school dance is from 4-8 pm.

The middle school dance is a drag.

The middle school dance is a fold in the very fabric of time on the ample rump of the middle school’s front office secretary, Pamela Hadler.

The middle school dance is framed by chaperones.

The middle school dance is, contrary to popular depiction, completely punchless.

At the middle school dance cans of warm soda and travel-sized bags of chips are for sale for $1 to benefit the cheer squad’s newest set of uniforms.

The middle school dance is on its tiptoes, peering into the backyard of the high school, where it is still only afternoon and the marching band and the football team vie for practice field space as in cars high schoolers vie for each others’ skin under their thin jackets.

The middle school dance shivers.

The middle school dance is so ready.

Illustration by Annie Mountcastle

Illustration by Annie Mountcastle

The middle school dance walks across the practice field to the high school on Mondays and Wednesdays for Calculus.

The middle school dance is weeping in the bathroom stall while its girlfriends whisper through the thin metal It’s okay, I had a hamster who killed himself, too.

The middle school dance won best dancer in the whole entire 7th grade for twisting the night away. It didn’t even know it was entered in the competition.

Someone had entered the middle school dance as a joke.

The middle school dance is a belly digesting.

The middle school dance is a crossover hit.

The middle school dance knows whose parents are smokers and whose are late and whose are separated and asking around about if Stephanie McMannis’s recently widowed mother is ready to “get back out there.”

Whether or not it is dark at the end of the middle school dance depends on the season.

The middle school dance folds up easily to transform back into a gym.

Therefore the middle school dance has a climbing rope but no one quite knows where it comes from, if it descends from somewhere or if someone makes his way to the rafters and ties it in place.

The middle school dance is highly legal, in fact, encouraged, as it helps keep kids who like to dance off the streets.

The middle school dance is growing older as it pulses. Sometimes it dares to think of itself as a cabin by the sea.

—Laura Eve Engel

#440: The Pogues, "Rum, Sodomy & the Lash" (1985)

Why do I like the Pogues? Rum, Sodomy and the Lash is a great pop album, otherwise I wouldn't be writing about it; but it adorns itself in the most degraded ornaments of historical defeats, as if to say that in this defeat we can still have a good time. That's a notion as ubiquitous as I am suspicious of it. I mean, I don't want to admit historical defeat, who does? I'm on the cusp of quoting Joyce or maybe Yeats, so perhaps I should stop. Even so, everything on this album happens decidedly after a moment of excitement and possibility. It's Belacqua, from Dante's Purgatorio: sitting at the foot of the mountain too lazy to ascend, saying as much to our esteemed poet and his even more esteemed tour guide through the cosmos.

At this point even the initial question seems implausible. Do I like the Pogues? Keston Sutherland says that favorites are complicated objects, and that things become our favorites for a host of reasons that aren't necessarily the best possible ones. I take him seriously, find his insight generative, and would like to think that Rum, Sodomy and the Lash is an object lesson in how disgust and delight intermingle, at least for me. I can't avoid the album's machismo, or its celebration of a series of political defeats as just another day where we end up at the bar; but I can't ignore how from all this the Pogues manage to give pleasure, a pleasure significant enough that I have undertaken to write about it.

Pleasure can't redeem anything, of course; the Pogues still must face up to the long nightmare of history, which they try to wake up from again and again by borrowing the folk conventions of the murder ballad and the drinking song to find a form for feeling inert and useless. But I think pleasure has a Utopian edge to it. In part because, as I just said, the feeling here is one of purposelessness. How hard it is to comprehend having no purpose these days, when everything must either account for its utility or perish! How wonderful the dream of some sort of collective social being, even if only provisionally and only in mutual acknowledgment of suffering! Again, these don't change what I don't like about the Pogues, but they make me want to listen to Rum, Sodomy and the Lash repeatedly, where glimpses of the opposite of everyday life make themselves felt even if only in their falling away from possible realization. Thus "Wild Cats of Kilkenny," with its opening vocalization of a cat's shriek, might also be the sound of saying no! to legibility and, indeed, to purpose itself. What if we were like wild cats, what if we could live pleasurably, or even freely?

At the same time, opposition holds sway: this song, and all the others, are pop songs, they reiterate a pattern of conventions that we recognize and that return us to a state of objective unfreedom. It's like that Wallace Stevens poem, "Sad Strains of a Gay Waltz," in which music no longer functions as it once did, as a "mode of desire, a mode / Of revealing desire," and instead comes to figure absence and a chance for future fulfillment. The uncapturable aesthetic experience brings us back to the very capturable, and captured, social world we inhabit. Stevens wants a music—which for him means also poetry—of the future. I think the Pogues wanted a pop music of the future; in "Dirty Old Town," the speaker kisses his lover "by a factory wall." The town's dirt implicitly relates to the factory, which in turn brings to bear a host of associations about labor and the time of labor, as well as the demands made by the fact of labor on everyone. Does repetition in a pop song say something about labor and what it does to the landscape?

Even if it does, in the throes of mass culture such an insight doesn't mean much for us. It's part of being in the thrall of the culture industry. No matter how rhapsodic I might be in describing something, that fact remains the same. But Rum, Sodomy and the Lash is a childish album in ways that supersede the sometimes hackneyed attempts to read rebellion into the flailing and hissing of punk. It does what children do when they want to figure something out: it imitates, it causes trouble and steals wantonly from everything around it. The result is degraded but compellingly so. If it still sounds like I hate that of which I speak, I would only point out that Samuel Beckett's favorite character in Dante's Divine Comedy was, in fact, Belacqua. And if we take Beckett as giving us the most realistic description of life in the 20th century, then maybe degradation seen as a fact rather than a moral impugnation can organize how we approach such difficult but, to my mind, rewarding albums as Rum, Sodomy and the Lash. Maybe saying so is pointless. Maybe that ends up being the point.

—David W. Pritchard

#441: Suicide, "Suicide" (1977)

for Frankie Teardrop

Angie Angel and me was selling broke down trivia machines back then, not such a bad deal if you can get it. Ain’t so hard neither, just get a fellah to sit down there a spell and he’ll sure enough be hooked. Trivia machine ain’t just got trivia you know, but all kinds of games for folks of any sort of persuasion. Say he’s a real sharp kinda guy, a real brainiac type, well then maybe he’ll like the trivia for a while, but when he get tired of playing that they got all sorts of other words games and such, mixing up words and that sort of thing them guys like. Then there’s them other kinda folks ain’t so keen on words and such, so you got some games that can be real entertaining, real fun diverting type games. Like they got one with this crazy old polar bear playing ball with a fish! Hard to believe, I know, but I tell you I play that one sometimes myself and I get a real kick out of it. If you get tired of it, they got some pirates or something and you run a hamburger store and make sure all the folks is happy and got their burgers on time. That’s pretty nice too.

We got the work just kinda by falling down into it. Angie Angel’s daddy ran a side business in jukeboxes and sundry, he picked up a load of broke down old trivia machines from a fellah in some bulk arrangement and there I was back there tinkering around in the warehouse and it just turns out that I got a knack for making them suckers work again. God’s will, I says and Angie Angel’s daddy agreed. Problem is, once a spot got one trivia machine, they ain’t got much use for another, so we was moving around a lot always on the look out for new buyers and whatnot, Angie Angel and me, traveling the countryside pawning them off. I was feeling pretty good about it, both the machines and being with her out there on the road. Angie Angel did too, I just know it.

I got me a right fine automobile—’72 Ford LTD convertible, darn near mint. I saved up since I was 11 years old, chucking my soda pop money in a jar with her picture pasted on the side. Cherie’s her name and, besides my Angie Angel, ain’t nothing in the world as special to me. Not a finer sight than Cherie hauling a trailer filled up with trivia machines and us and the highway, the hot wind blowing up on our faces. We didn’t have no car radio though, so Angie Angel would make do by singing those songs of hers, which I like better than even Travis Tritt. There she’d be next to me, hair flying up all over the place, and singing out like one of them mermaids on a rock in the middle of the ocean and that’s what it felt like too, alone with each other and her song in the wind. Angie Angel could carry a tune real good; I often thought that if we’d ever get into the karaoke machine business she could give a real dynamite example to them buyers about what it was they was buying, you know? She was about the prettiest thing too, my mermaid singing all the while. I bought me some fine new shades from the rack in the Sunoco cause with the sun and her song it was like our future was so bright.

Yes sir, that girl was something else. All the boys back in school were always pawing all over her, tripping over themselves asking her to dance and such. You could tell that look in those boys’ faces like I had something holding over them, on top of them, you know, like Angie Angel was my girl and alright, maybe they get a dance or something one day, but I was the one that get to pick her up for school in the mornings she wanted to go and take her home in the evenings she didn’t have no cheerleading or extracurricular activities or meeting with Mr. Saunders, who she was often fixing to see. I guess that biology was a real bear. Sometimes even if she did have cheerleading at least, I’d just sit there on the bleachers by the field waiting for her to be done with her practicing so I could take her home then. I’d see her down there on the field and sometimes her friends would be pointing up at me and laughing and such and then I’d see Angie Angel setting ‘em right, saying about how I was her boyfriend and they best not be pointing or messing around none. Even that Joe Rogers on the ballfield too, except not with the cheerleaders but with the football team ‘cause he was our quarterback. Yeah, sometimes Joe Rogers would talk to Angie Angel and I’d watch them up from the bleachers and I’d see Joe Rogers leaning in close and Angie Angel laughing, you know, probably about what kinda dumb stuff that Joe Rogers talking.

Standing on her momma’s porch clutching a grip of white flowers and her momma answer the door and her momma saying honey don’t you know Angie Angel ain’t here she gone off the city with her cousin ‘till the weekend and I’m sorry honey let me get some water for those pretty flowers and do you want a nice cool glass of sweet tea and thank you ma’am but I oughta be heading off and Angie Angel not saying a word about it when it is I see her next neither, the white flowers I know her momma keep in a vase waiting for her to get back from the city which she did after a month of time when them poor flowers already dead.

I guess when I think back on it was when Cherie broke down and I was fiddling with her engine that things went amiss. Angie Angel was in the ladies and disappeared for longer than I thought requisite and I start getting a little itchy about it, you know, even her not coming back after I found the troubles and fixed it up easy which must have took a half hour at least and still she wasn’t back yet. I went poking around the racks of potato chips and seeds and whatnot looking for her but she wasn’t there neither so I ask the fellah behind the counter if he seen Angie Angel and he give me a funny look and say no he ain’t and I say thank you sir and he say ain’t nothing son and kind of laughs like a horse and I just keep on poking around. I was getting might frantic by this time as you can well imagine so when I got back to the car darn near give up on her and Angie Angel is sitting shotgun humming a tune like nothing at all and I ask her where you been and she don’t say nothing but give me that sweet grin like she did way back when, like she used to when she was just a girl, like she always done, you know, and what am I to do but get in the car and keep on driving what with a trailer full of merchandise. Trivia machine don’t sell itself.

I get back to the car and Angie Angel sitting there looking just about sweet as ever, so what am I supposed to do, throw some kinda fit or something? I just flip down my shades and drive off into the sun, Angie Angel not saying much of anything but crunching on some sugar candy. We was driving and I put my hand out the window and felt the hot air against it, Angie Angel humming all along. Short time thereafter I felt the blade pushing up on the back of my neck. I could tell in the rearview he was a big mother-effer, and I ain’t a big guy no but I been in a couple few scrapes in my day and I ain’t afraid, but he had that blade and me driving, what am I gonna do? He tells me real rude to pull over so I does. When I look over at Angie Angel he tells me all cussing to look straight on again but I don’t listen right away and there she is sitting there with a sugar candy in her teeth, won’t even look back at me. I try to tell her something then but the guy presses the blade into my neck nicking me some and tells me to get the eff out the car so I does. I take off my shades and squint into the dust Cherie kicks up as Angie Angel and the fellah drive off in my vehicle and my trailer full up of machines, half of which I ain’t even got around to fixing yet. I stood there for a while looking on down after them, then I put up my thumb and got a ride back into town whereabouts I bought me a bus ticket home.

—Erik Wennermark

#442: Devo, "Q: Are We Not Men? A: We Are Devo!" (1978)

> WELCOME

> WHAT IS YOUR NAME?

Brian

> WE ARE GLAD YOU HAVE ARRIVED, Brian

> WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO?

Go back to sleep

> UNABLE TO COMPLETE REQUEST

> HERE, LET US HELP

1. Put on attire
2. Make sustenance
3. Relieve self
4. Watch television news

Breakfast

> YUM

> WHAT DO YOU WISH TO MAKE?

Oatmeal

> OATMEAL INTAKE SUCCESSFUL

> OATMEAL IS VERY HEALTHY

> WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO?

Put on clothes

> WHAT TYPE OF ATTIRE DO YOU WISH TO WEAR?

Business clothes

> GOOD CHOICE, BUSINESSMAN

> BUSINESS CLOTHES SUCCESSFUL

> WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO?

Go to work

> HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO GET TO WORK?

Walk

> SORRY, UNABLE TO COMPLETE REQUEST

> LET US HELP

1. Personal automobile
2. Public underground transportation
3. Commuter bus

Car

> GREAT

> PERSONAL AUTOMOBILE REQUEST SUCCESSFUL

> WORK ARRIVAL SUCCESSFUL

> WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO?

Input data

> EXCELLENT

> DATA INPUT SUCCESSFUL

> WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO?

Take smoke break

> UNABLE TO COMPLETE REQUEST

> YOU MUST WORK MORE FIRST

> WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO?

Input data

> EXCELLENT

> FURTHER DATA INPUT SUCCESSFUL

> YOUR EMPLOYER HAS COMPLIMENTED YOU!

> WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO?

Take smoke break

> UNABLE TO COMPLETE REQUEST

> HERE, LET US HELP

1. Thank employer
2. Compliment employer’s choice of tie
3. Inquire about employer’s stance re: sports team
4. Crack wise re: female co-worker

Compliment tie

> YOUR EMPLOYER HAS THANKED YOU

> YOUR EMPLOYER HAS MADE COMMENT RE: WIFE

> WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO?

Laugh

> LAUGH SUCCESSFUL

> YOUR EMPLOYER HAS GIVEN YOU A RAISE!

> WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO?

Take smoke break

> SMOKE BREAK SUCCESSFUL

>WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO?

Go back to sleep

> UNABLE TO COMPLETE REQUEST

> WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO?

Invite female co-worker to lunch

> UNABLE TO COMPLETE REQUEST

> HERE LET US HELP

1. Input data
2. Converse with male co-worker re: college
3. Shoot paper ball at trash can
4. Relieve self

Relieve self

> RELIEF SUCCESSFUL

> WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO?

Input data

> FURTHER DATA INPUT SUCCESSFUL

> YOUR DATA INPUT APPARATUS HAS STALLED!

> WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO?

Pretend to input data

> FALSE DATA INPUT SUCCESSFUL

> WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO?

Talk to male co-worker

> CONVERSATION SUCCESSFUL

> YOUR MALE CO-WORKER HAS GIVEN YOU NOSTALGIA!

> WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO?

Cry

> UNABLE TO COMPLETE REQUEST

> WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO?

High-five male co-worker

> SLAPPED HANDS SUCCESSFUL

> WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO?

Go home

> HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO RETURN HOME?

Memories

> UNABLE TO COMPLETE REQUEST

> HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO RETURN HOME?

Car

> PERSONAL AUTOMOBILE REQUEST SUCCESSFUL

> RETURN HOME SUCCESSFUL

> WELCOME HOME, Brian!

> WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO?

Watch television news

> WATCHING TELEVISION REQUIRES A BEVERAGE

> WHAT BEVERAGE WOULD YOU LIKE?

Ice water

> SORRY, UNABLE TO COMPLETE REQUEST

> HERE, LET US HELP

1. Fermented ale
2. Rye whiskey
3. Vodka martini
4. Light fermented ale

Beer

> BEVERAGE INTAKE SUCCESSFUL

> TELEVISUAL ENJOYMENT SUCCESSFUL

> WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO?

Kiss wife

> UNABLE TO COMPLETE REQUEST

Kiss children

> UNABLE TO COMPLETE REQUEST

Call mother and father

> SORRY, UNABLE TO COMPLETE REQUEST

> LET US HELP

1. Watch sports
2. Pleasure self
3. Debate strangers on Internet re: female physical attributes
4. Eat baked corn snacks

Pleasure self

> GREAT

> PLEASURE SUCCESSFUL

> YOUR ENERGY HAS DECREASED!

> WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO?

Go back to sleep

> SLEEP REQUEST SUCCESSFUL

> WOULD YOU LIKE TO CONTINUE PROGRAM?

No

> UNABLE TO COMPLETE REQUEST

No

> SORRY, UNABLE TO COMPLETE REQUEST

> LET US HELP

1. Yes
2. Yes, tomorrow

Tomorrow

> TERRIFIC

> SEE YOU TOMORROW, Brian

>

>

>

Illustration by Annie Mountcastle

Illustration by Annie Mountcastle

> WELCOME, Brian

> WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO?

Delete program

> UNABLE TO COMPLETE REQUEST

End program

> SORRY, UNABLE TO COMPLETE REQUEST

> LET US HELP

1. Put on attire
2. Make sustenance
3. Relieve self
4. Watch television news

Watch TV

> TELEVISUAL ENJOYMENT SUCCESSFUL

> YOU HAVE LEARNED WEATHER!

> YOU HAVE LEARNED TRAFFIC!

> WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO?

Go to work

> TO GO TO WORK YOU MUST PUT ON ATTIRE

Pants

> PANTS SUCCESSFUL

Clothes

> ATTIRE PLACEMENT SUCCESSFUL IN TOTALITY

> ARRIVAL AT WORK SUCCESSFUL

> WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO?

Leave

> UNABLE TO COMPLETE REQUEST

Go home

> UNABLE TO COMPLETE REQUEST

> HERE, LET US HELP

1. Input data
2. Relieve self
3. Converse with female co-worker re: weekend plans
4. Converse with male co-worker re: weather

Talk to female co-worker

> CONVERSATION SUCCESSFUL

> YOUR FEMALE CO-WORKER HAS NO WEEKEND PLANS

> WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO?

Input data

> UNABLE TO COMPLETE REQUEST

Talk to male co-worker

> UNABLE TO COMPLETE REQUEST

> HERE, LET US HELP

1. Invite female co-worker to dinner
2. Touch female co-worker on shoulder
3. Crack wise re: female co-worker’s appearance

Invite her to dinner

> DINNER REQUEST SUCCESSFUL

> YOUR FEMALE CO-WORKER HAS DENIED YOUR INVITATION!

> WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO?

Input data

> DATA INPUT SUCCESSFUL

> WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO?

Take smoke break

> SMOKE BREAK SUCCESSFUL

> WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO?

Step onto busy highway

> UNABLE TO COMPLETE REQUEST

> WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO?

Input data

> FURTHER DATA INPUT SUCCESSFUL

> WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO?

Go home

> WOULD YOU LIKE TO RETURN HOME IN YOUR AUTOMOBILE?

Yes

> RETURN HOME SUCCESSFUL

> WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO?

Go to sleep

> SLEEP SUCCESSFUL

> WOULD YOU LIKE TO CONTINUE PROGRAM?

Tomorrow

> TERRIFIC

> SEE YOU TOMORROW, Brian

>

>

>

—Brad Efford

#443: Cheap Trick, "In Color" (1977)

It was summer and the koi were dying. Almost before we realized we were losing them, they were gone—in a metaphysical sense, that is, because the truth is they lingered terribly, “like an ex-boyfriend,” Cam said, popping her gum. She’d know, because her mom, Ms. Stacy, had three, and an ex-husband too.

We were kneeling at the edge of the koi pond Daddy and I dug before he left, staring at their bloated corpses, shining like the nibs of old highlighters beneath a layer of grief and scum.

“Shit,” I said, and that just about covered everything.

*

We broke the news to Mama in the worst way possible—with a rusty shovel handle through the gut of her favorite gnome. We’d been levering the soft bodies in a fugue, sweating from the sun and their curious weight.

“These fish wouldn’t make it to the underworld,” Cam said. I turned to squint at her through the triangular window at the top of my shovel. Over her shoulder I could see Ms. Stacy’s lace bras drying on the line in the next yard over.

“Whattaya mean? We’re putting ‘em in a hole, aren’t we?”

“Not that kind of underworld.” She sloshed a fish into the grave we’d dug, wrinkling her nose at the squelch. We’d soon churned up a muddy broth in the basin, splashing a terrible soup over the fish in our haste to unburden ourselves. “In Ancient Egypt, they weighed your soul against a feather. If it weighed more than the feather, you didn’t get to go to heaven.”

“They had heaven back then?” I asked. I was pretty sure we’d learned something very different in church, but Mama always said the Bible was open to interpretation. She said “Jesus Christ” when she saw the shattered gnome, and started tutting at us, until I showed her the grave. Then she said “Oh, baby girl.” She let Cam stay for dinner.

*

The truth was, I wasn’t very interested in the underworld, koi or no koi. The pond had been Daddy’s idea; he said fish were “grounded.” I think that was a joke, because it always made Mama laugh when he said it. I’ll bet neither of them ever pictured those great wet beasts in dirt.

Cam and I preferred heights, because Daddy was a climber. Not a social climber, like Ms. Stacy was always chatting on about becoming, but a real one. He travelled all over the world conquering mountains, and then he’d come back to us, wind-chapped and lean all over, like a wolf. Wolves eat fish, I think, but he loved these koi. He said they looked like the sun did shining down on you when you were close enough to touch. He said the sky was just an ocean, and you could swim up it, and break the surface. “Up there,” he’d told me, “all you breathe is stars. That’s all you need. Just starlight.”

*

Mama let Cam stay past dinner, too. We put in a movie, the latest “chick flick” Ms. Stacy brought by. She was always trying to get Cam to wear prettier things, and to go by her given name, Camilla. “Because you’re my perfect baby,” she’d coo, which always made Cam blush, then scoot, faster than any fish I’ve seen driving for the shallows.

The film wasn’t too good. It was called 10 Things I Hate About You, and we ran it on the VCR, the dark, translucent reels feeding sluggishly through the ancient player we’d wired beneath the T.V. That machine was just as likely to eat your tape as it was to play it, though if you wanted to watch a movie, you had to risk it. There was no way out but through.

Well, I sat through it, all right, but things didn’t get interesting until the end, when the man and the woman are kissing outside the car and everything’s lit up in that koi gold, and the music is swelling and you know it can’t last forever, but even just a little while is good enough. Then the camera jumps, and this band, Letters for Cleo, is playing high up on a rooftop, and my heart started thumping, because I knew Daddy would like that, all those people making music up where the air’s so thin.

After Mama found us with the fish she called Mr. Hollander’s garden shop, where we’d bought them. According to his son, who ran the shop when Mr. Hollander was ill, our koi must have suffocated, which is a fancy way to say they drowned. He told Mama they got too big for the pond, so they used up all the oxygen. I wish I’d never seen her face, when she heard that.

*

“Bill,” she’d always say to him. “Bill, you take care out there.” At this point, she was usually crying. Daddy would take her long blond hair and run it through his fingers, so it split into beautiful golden strands, like beams of light.

“I promise.”

“I just worry,” she’d sniff. “I miss your voice. How can you call for help up there? The air’s so thin. You couldn’t even—oh, baby,” she’d sigh. “You couldn’t even call for me by name.”

Then he’d heft her up, like she couldn’t weigh more than a feather, and tumble her into his arms. I knew if anyone was getting into heaven it was those two. But I was so worried they wouldn’t wait for me. They were two balloons, ready to float off the moment you dropped their strings.

*

“Let’s put rocks in her pockets,” Cam said when she woke up and found me crying. “Dirt in her shoes to weigh her down. Your Dad’s too, when he comes back. Where is he now? Peru? I don’t think they’ve got mummies in Peru.”

They don’t. What they have got in Peru is mountains.

We snuck downstairs to the den, where the T.V. screen had lapsed to blue, painting the whole room like it was underwater. Cam and I crouched before the VCR to roll the tape back by hand. In the screen’s blue wash I restrung time in reverent loops and whorls. When we’d gone far enough, we tipped the flap, inserted the tape, and played the final song again, this time silently.

Letters to Cleo were rocking out on a rooftop to “I Want You to Want Me,” while a camera slow-panned past Seattle to the sea. The lead singer tossed bleach bright hair to a soundless rhythm, twitching around in a little black dress Ms. Stacy would’ve killed for.

Even though the T.V. was muted, I could hear her clearly. She was strutting her stuff, working this gorgeous wail, and above her the sky was this wave of color and light. Suddenly, I got the feeling she could see us—that even from her terrible height she knew the dirt under our nails was fresh from burying. She had seen us in our unspeakable hours. She had to know, I guess, but there she was, still singing.

“Hey,” Cam said, after a little while, when the tape had run down again. “You wanna bury me?” She crawled up onto the couch and showed me how the mummies from Egypt lie, and how they cross their hands over their hearts like they’re cold or something. I felt a pang for those dumb fish, without hands or heartbeats or anyone to sing at their funeral. And the one person who loved them so far away he couldn’t hear anything but maybe his own thoughts.

When I knelt over Cam I could feel her stomach trembling, and she was breathing funny, something drawing out of her like a riptide.

“I don’t think I can lie as still as them,” she whispered. The mummies or the koi? But I didn’t ask.

“Stop trying,” I said instead, and squashed down beside her. If I closed my eyes I could pretend the darkness was really dirt, closing us in its warm fist. “We’re safe now.” But inside all this I could feel my heart beating, wild and scared as any dying thing.

—Eve Strillacci

#444: War, "The World is a Ghetto" (1972)

Kept alive only by his alternately strengthening and unraveling adrenaline, Armand has barricaded himself inside the bar. Like a couple of last-call drunks too gone to make it home on their own, two vinyl booths thankfully unbolstered to begin with now lean against the windowless wooden front door. Armand has seen enough movies: he’s made sure the door opens inward, and he’s stacked every box of backstock liquor on the booths until they’ve made a tower he prays is strong enough to last. Daylight struggles through the old tinted windows, enough that he doesn’t need the lights on, enough to sit motionless beneath a table but for the crying and the heaving that every now and then overtakes him.

It’s mostly quiet outside. No: it’s entirely quiet. Eerily quiet. Like, sure, yes, wind, if you listen hard enough, but even that could all be in your head. Armand is past the point of hearing anything at all. Or, conversely, all he hears is wind, constant gusting against his eardrums. He can’t be sure. He tries not to think too much about it. The floor is sticky and his neck is numb from its turtled positioning. His legs are drawn up into an awkward pretzel and after thirty fruitless minutes of hunting for the shotgun he assumed the owner of this bar must have somewhere, anywhere, he is now hugging tightly the aluminum bat he settled for instead. He is too afraid to move, not even to shut off the music. Besides, by now it’s become just another part of his psyche, the soundtrack to his unlikely, hysterical demise.

Either in the process of the end or sometime before the end began, the bar’s CD player was placed on single-song repeat. Who even uses CD players anymore? And who even uses the single-song repeat function? Whose maximum enjoyment can only be achieved with the assistance of a hands-free reliving of one song over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again? These are questionsand there are a hundred more just like themwhich Armand stopped pondering hours ago. By now, this song simply is. It no longer angers him, or tires him out, or has him wondering if all of thisif any of itis real. He does not know what the song is called, but “Where Was You At” seems like the best guess: the line’s repeated at the end of each verse and several times again during the chorus. The drums are a 1-2 kick-snare devotion to generic beat-keeping. It’s a drum part that would hypnotize you if you weren’t careful; Armand is aware of this possibility because several times since last night it became a reality. There’s a harmonica solo that reminds him of Sesame Street, a memory to which at one point he latched on in a desperate bid to find some semblance of meaning in his situation. It’s kind of a funk song, and kind of a slice of white bread. Somewhere in between.

Armand is very cognizant of the fact that the song is the least of his problems. But again, no: problems have solutions, or are meant to. This is not that. The world outside the bar no longer resembles any sort of world Armand once knew. To say hellspawn now inhabit its terrain is maybe only partially correct. To say everything logical, safe, expected has ended is entirely the case. Armand watched the ground split and watched unspeakable acts occur and watched himself react thanks only to his sometimes strengthening, sometimes unraveling adrenaline.

So he found the bar, made it in, and in the bar he sits. Waits. Clutches the bat. Listens to the maybe-wind behind the song that will never quit recycling.

He must have fallen asleep, exhaustion the only possible explanation, because a sound like a car wreck awakens him. He moves too quickly, slams his head on the underside of the table, stifles a yelp. “Where was you at?” the song keeps asking. “Where was you at?” Armand has no clue for a moment, then remembers. There it is again: the sound, echoey, metal on metal, near the front of the bar, everything much darker now as the day mutates into night. He whimpers and leans forward just enough to catch in his sight the edges of the booths keeping at bay whatever lies beyond the door. Then the bang again, and yes, he confirms it: the booths rattle, shift from their places just a little. The harmonica solo is ending. The drums are not drums, but his heart starting to seize. He can’t tell if his pants are wet or his legs asleep; he isn’t really thinking about it.

The bang, the booths shift, the two false starts to signify the song has begun anew. Where was you at? If Armand were a bolder man, a person with gumption, he’d shake himself loose from under the table, take the bat firmly in both hands, and await the inevitable on his feet. He could run, toothe levels of valor are flexible, and survival would seem to mean just about everything in situations like this. If he were bolder, better, unstricken.

No. Armand is not prepared for this. The world has already ended. He is too late. Where was you at? Where was you at? Where was you at? Where was you at? The door finally comes apart to one last deafening crash and our hero still hasn’t quite figured out the answer.

—Brad Efford

#445: Steve Miller Band, "Fly Like an Eagle" (1976)

Before we took the money, before we ran, the days floated along hazy-like. We got high in Billy Joe’s parent’s basement and drank cans of Schlitz that we nicked from his dad’s side of the fridge. We cut school and played records: Alice Cooper, Ramones, the Stones. We watched TV: All in the Family, Baretta, Columbo.

In the basement, homemade orange and brown plaid curtains hung on either side of the glass door that led to the backyard and we closed them against the view of dead grass, the tiny bit of sky beyond the fence. We liked the way the Texas sun glowed through the curtains and made the room hot. We baked in there. We held lukewarm cans of beer against our wrists, our foreheads, our necks. We kissed the salt off each other’s top lips. We played the same records again and again. Our weeks went by in lazy orbit.

Then one day, we decided to cut loose.

Billy Joe’s dad was asleep on the couch upstairs and we crept past him, slipped his car keys off the hook near the front door. We got into the old GTO and the sunbaked leather burned the backs of my thighs. Billy Joe started the car and we cranked the windows down. The scrub brush and cracked ground blurred on either side of us and I put my fingers out the window, let the wind whistle through them. When I looked over at Billy Joe, he was smiling down the highway and I could see the chipped tooth that made his smile look like it was winking.

*

We ended up in El Paso, in one of the richie-rich neighborhoods on the outskirts of town. We drove through the mansions, the manicured lawns, the fountains with open-mouthed stone swans spurting water. I knew that people lived like this, lived like kings and queens, but knowing that and seeing it were two different things. A small dog on a chain barked at us as we drove past as if he were protecting his castle from us, two dirty bums in a borrowed GTO. That little dog probably ate out of a silver bowl. I bet his hair cuts cost more than mine.

When I squinted my eyes down the row of mansions, they blurred together and looked like blinding icebergs in the sun. We were adrift, Billy Joe and I, floating between them, looking for our own little island where we could land and make a life. Since I could remember, I had been anchored in a dusty patch of nothing. “Billy Joe,” I said, “We’re not going back.”

He looked at me, and the flash of surprise in his eyes hardened into something I’d never seen before. He pulled into the next driveway and cut the engine. “Whose house is this?” I asked.

“I don’t know. All these castles are the same. They all probably stuff their pillows with hundred dollar bills.” He leaned over me and I could smell his skin smell: sweat and dust, marijuana and something a little bit fruity—strawberry, maybe. He opened the glove compartment and took out a gun. Before I could say his name or ask what he thought he was doing, he had the gun tucked into the waistband of his jeans and he had opened the car door and started walking toward a mansion. I watched the back of his white t-shirt, the muscles rippling beneath it as he clenched and unclenched his hands into fists. He approached the door and, to my surprise, the knob twisted and gave. He disappeared into the open door’s dark mouth.

Illustration by Annie Mountcastle

Illustration by Annie Mountcastle

Even with the windows open, the GTO grew hot quickly. When I shifted in my seat, the backs of my legs squelched against the leather. I reached up to the rearview mirror and adjusted it so I could see out behind me. The neighborhood was still in the stifling midday heat. Minutes passed. I held my fingers on the burning dashboard until they blistered.

Then I heard the gunshot.

*

I barely saw the heavy curtains, hardly felt the plush carpet sponging my footfalls as I ran through the house, looking for Billy Joe. I finally found him upstairs, still and silent, before an open safe tucked back in a closet. I whispered his name and walked up to his back. His shirt was drenched with cool sweat. When he turned to look at me, he was shaking. The gun was still in his hand. “What did you do?” I asked.

He shook his head and turned back toward the safe. I looked inside and covered my mouth with my hands. Money stacked like bricks reached all the way to the back of the safe, just like on TV. I had never seen so much money in my life. I hadn’t known that stacks of bills like this really existed. “Oh my god,” I said.

A siren keened above us and I heard Billy Joe swear under his breath and start pacing. I could feel his frantic energy searching for a way out behind me. He didn’t realize the answer was right in front of us.

My hands tingled and I started grabbing money and stuffing the bills into my pants. I worked quickly, steadily. I stuffed money into my boots, and then I gathered all I could in my arms and started running for the front door. I heard Billy Joe murmuring a steady stream of “Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit” behind me, but his words gave way and soon all I heard were the sirens and my boots clacking against the concrete as I ran for the car.

When I reached the GTO, I opened the door, and threw the money inside. I looked back and saw Billy Joe standing at the threshold of the mansion. He shook like a small, scared animal. “Get in the car,” I screamed. I dove into the driver’s seat and revved the engine. Billy Joe still wouldn’t move. I banged the wheel with my open palms and yelled at him. “We have to go.” My heart pumped so fast I felt like my head was going to pop off. I could barely catch my breath. I looked at the pile of money beside me on the passenger seat. Then I looked at Billy Joe and shook my head. I put the car in reverse and started backing down the driveway, never taking my eyes off him. The sirens echoed across the valley. Any second now we would see the flashing lights. I reached the end of the driveway. I saw Billy Joe look in the direction of the sirens and his knees began to buckle. Before he fell to the ground, he caught himself and ran toward the car. I opened the door and as he slammed it back shut, I pounded on the gas and we screeched away.

I drove as fast as I could. When I looked over at him, Billy Joe was sliding his fingers along the edges of the stacks of money. I knew that he was thinking about the person he left in the house, the person he left dead. “Hey,” I said, “I love you.” He glanced up at me then, with the newly hardened eyes that I hoped time would soften once again. God knows they changed quickly enough the first time.

This day began the same as our days always did, and then we altered our lives so fast we didn’t have time to think about it. We didn’t plan, we didn’t strategize, we didn’t think of the repercussions. We could only let the blazing sun burn black stars into our eyes as we followed it down the highway. We could only let ourselves be drawn by the magnetic pull of gun to flesh, of fingertip to money. More than anything, we could only sync our strange and beating hearts together, take hands, take the money, and run.

—S. Price

#446: MC5, "Back in the USA" (1970)

We all shared a love of hot rods and big-assed engines.

Wayne Kramer, Please Kill Me

I’m a regular guy, ya know. I want to find a pretty girl. I want to play great music. And I want a fast car.

Dennis Thompson, Detroit Rock City

 

I. HOT RODS

Cars are sex: Pistons, oil, leather seats, grinding gears. Glass, steel, electricity. Gas up, turn on the lights, top down, an orgasmic screech of tires. Cars are America: Industry, chaos, and speed. Some of the greatest American songs about cars are not about cars at all, but about sex (“Little Red Corvette”), some of the greatest American songs about sex sound like they were written to sound like cars (“Lust for Life”), and some of them are quite unapologetically very much about both (“Paradise by the Dashboard Light”).

I don’t know how you could listen to MC5’s Back in the USA and not hear two things: sex and automobiles. The music coming out of Detroit in the late 1960s and early 1970s was conceived in the back seat of a Cadillac; it was the sound of rubber tires on asphalt, hubcaps shining and spinning: the automobile and the road and the slick of oil, dark and foreboding. This is a cleaner album than its predecessor, Kick Out the Jams, more compact and self-contained. Jon Landau’s heavy production hand is obvious, and the band ended up sounding like the engine of a Corvette shoved into the body of a Chevette. It belies the music at its heart, that powerful engine and thrust of the distortion at its lowest end. Listen to live versions of the same songs that appear on Back in the USA“Tonight” or “Teenage Lust” as recorded at the Saginaw Civic Center, January 1970, for example, or Wayne Kramer’s guitar wailing on “Looking At You”and you can hear the release, the shift to fifth gear, the cracked glass, the bending steel. Listen to the live versions and you can hear the entire engine-revving soul of Detroit blowing up and burning out.

The whole album is only 28 minutes long: fast and furious. Like a hot rod. Like a drag race. Like an assembly line. Like a quick screw in the backseat of a car. I mean, holy shit, that’s Detroit.

Holy shit, that’s America.

Illustration by Lena Moses-Schmitt

Illustration by Lena Moses-Schmitt


II. THE AMERICAN RUSE

The American dream being sold in the mid-20th century was the ideal of a family, a house, and an American-built car. Detroit fed that dream off the assembly line, and as MC5 (which, fittingly, started as Motor City 5, the most Detroit of Detroit band names) had front row seats for the exposure of the man behind the curtain as they watched the auto industry crumble around them.

In the 1950s, automobile jobs started to be shipped overseas, and the mostly white middle class fled the city to the suburbs. They left behind a city they considered to be broken, and the remaining citizens were considered to be casualties. This, when combined with the civil rights movement (culminating in the 12th Street riot in 1967, during which 43 citizens were killed and more than 7,000 arrested) and growing frustrations with politics and war, left a city scarred by fear and destitution throughout much of the 1970s and 1980s. The country was on the verge of deficits, industrial meltdowns, inches away from an oil crisis that would put the final nail in the coffin on Detroit’s industry, and the weakening of unions during the 1980s. Detroit was a microcosm of American issues, the canary in the coal mine. And “The American Ruse” was that canary’s song.

“The American Ruse” is about civil rights and war and awakening, but it was fed directly by the Detroit metamorphosis from capital of industry to impoverished rust belt city.

Sixty nine America in terminal stasis
The air's so thick it's like drowning in molasses

I'm sick and tired of paying these dues

And I'm sick to my guts of the American ruse

Phony stars, oh no! Crummy cars, oh no!
Cheap guitars, oh no! Joe's primitive bar, nah!

Rock 'em back, Sonic!

MC5 themselves would eventually be swallowed up by the ultimate loss of the American dream: the heroin epidemic, that potentially deadly hangover from the drugged-up 1960s that would eventually tear the band apart.

The wheel well was beginning to rust, eating away at that beautiful hot rod left out in the rain.


III. BACK IN THE USA

The album is notably flanked by two covers: a fast, balls-out rendition of Little Richard’s romp “Tutti-Frutti,” and Chuck Berry’s “Back in the USA” closing out the album. It’s an odd song to end the album: a feel-good song, jingoistic. Though I can’t help but think that it’s tongue-in-cheek: Rob Tyner singing I’m so glad I’m living in the USA amidst the riots and the poverty and the corruption is a giant sad wink at where the country seemed to be headed; listing those cities that had been duped by the American dream - Detroit, Chicago, Chattanooga, Baton Rouge - was like calling out the names of the dead or dying.

Underneath the wink, however, these songs are driving the band’s engine: to MC5, they're the classic cars, the rides they coveted as kids. When MC5 made a little money, they all bought themselves the dream: a classic American-made car. According to Wayne Kramer in Legs McNeil’s account of the birth of punk, Please Kill Me, Fred "Sonic" Smith “bought a used Corvette, Dennis [Thompson] bought a Corvette Stingray,” and bassist Michael Davis “bought a [Buick] Riviera.” (Kramer’s own dream car was a Jaguar XKE; obviously, he didn’t buy into the ideal enough to deny himself a British import.) This act got them tossed out of the White Panther Party, the anti-racist, socialist party the band belonged to, which had been co-founded by the band’s manager, John Sinclair; buying fancy cars went against the party’s socialist beliefs.

But they wanted their classics, their very own “Maybelline.” To deny them that would be un-American.


IV. KEEP ON ROCKIN’

The city of Detroit partially left behind its car obsession, but it’s still humming underneath the hood: Detroit’s not dead. Detroit today, depending on who you talk to, is a once-vibrant city trying to climb back again, an urban prairie, a blank canvas for foreign investors, home to a revitalized stretch of hipster restaurants, an experiment in urban development, a haven for artists and writers, the carefully tended garden plot of a community of volunteers, a rainbow of colorful paintings on abandoned houses, the hardened and determined faces of those who stuck around.

Detroit is being rebuilt. You can still hear the roll of the wheels out there on the road, like a heartbeat, its soul, not yet lost, not yet rusted away on cinderblocks in the front lawn. Still purring away.

—Zan McQuade

#447: Stan Getz and Joao Gilberto, "Getz/Gilberto" (1964)

“Smooth” is a pejorative word in jazz. It’s what we call the numbing muzak in our elevator purgatories. It’s what we call Kenny G and John Tesh, who have inexplicably made careers by making music no one likes. It’s the stereotype, the simulacrum, the straw man for people who hate jazz, or don’t know jazz, or once heard a song with too much horn when they had a headache and thought will someone please turn that shit down.

But what else is there to call Getz/Gilberto, the landmark 1964 album by an unlikely team of collaborators, but the birth of smooth? Stan Getz’s tenor sax melodies are so slurred and reedy that he wills us into a Don Draper lounge fantasy. Antonio Carlos Jobim’s piano chords are legato, coy. The sparse drumming by Milton Banana (what a name!) is wispy, incidental, barely there. Joao Gilberto weaves the whole thing together, as his inimitable guitar comping supplies our only semblance of a bass line and propels each tune’s distinct Latin rhythm. His vocals, and that of his wife Astrud—an intuitive and airy singer—unify each musician’s efforts and solidify the album’s sexiness, even though their heavy Brazilian accents render certain lyrics unintelligible.

Getz/Gilberto might be the only record on earth where there isn’t a single song, not one track, that you can crank. Someone would tell you it didn’t sound right. Someone would tell you to turn that shit down.

*

We played no jazz during the first two years that I was a member of my high school jazz band. Having switched school districts just weeks before I started ninth grade, I flocked instinctively to the small cadre of misfits who used the ensemble structure as an excuse to noodle and jam. Whenever a school concert loomed, we’d get our collective act together and pick the least offensive charts out of the school’s sheet music cabinet so we could play two or three tunes—mostly pop-rock songs from the seventies—for our parents. I don’t remember much of my first year apart from wishing that the guitarist would hurry up and graduate so I could take his place and make the switch from trumpet, an instrument on which I came to project my frustration with my own musical limitations. My most vivid memory from my second year is the session where I had to explain over and over again that I would never get the Shaft riff to sound right because I didn’t own, and couldn’t afford, a wah pedal.

It wasn’t until my junior year that the school hired a young Marine trumpeter to serve as a part-time jazz instructor. His presence, coupled with my switch to bass, gave me my first real taste of jazz from someone who had a working knowledge of, and passion for, the genre. Most of us heard Miles Davis and John Coltrane for the first time. Our drummers experimented with brushes, while our horn players explored how to manipulate their sound with mutes and plungers. Vindicated, our urge to rock roared out when we traded eights on “Watermelon Man,” which was our reward for muscling through Brubeck’s “Take Five” in its quirky 5/4 time signature. After years of music education in the public school system, this crash course in jazz was finally teaching me the power of subtlety, the nuance of tone, and the importance of responsiveness. Our jazz man only lasted one year (Was the pay too low? Did that party where he let us watch Stripes get too rambunctious?), but my conversion was complete. While the Jansports genuflecting before narrow lockers wore patches for Cake and Garbage and Third Eye Blind, I spent my senior year consecrating a new catechism. Wes Montgomery. Herbie Hancock. Sonny Rollins. Stan Getz.

*

When did the sixties begin? 1959 sank and 1960 dawned, sure, but for those of us who didn’t live through those years, it’s hard to reconcile the tumultuous political upheavals and hippie clichés that eventually emerged with the bobbed hairdos, bikini beach blasts, and bubblegum doo-wop that bled over from the previous decade, oblivious to our fiction of time. I suspect that the Kennedy assassination in 1963 was the chief catalyst for the various social and aesthetic transformations now thoroughly engrained in our national iconography and myths.

On March 18th and 19th, eight months before that grim day in Dealey Plaza, Getz, Gilberto, and Jobim sat in a cramped New York City studio and made a jazz masterpiece in 48 hours. The lone black-and-white photo gracing the album’s inner sleeve captures the scene: three clean-shaven men in early-middle age with dark cropped hair and collared shirts. Getz is the only one without a tie. They look like accountants at tax season who, working late one evening, took an impromptu break to relieve their mounting stress.

In the original liner notes, Getz wrote that “unpretentiousness, spontaneity and the poetry of honest emotion belong back in jazz.” Read in context, it’s clear that he’s grinding against the impulse for harder bop and stargazing improvisation. The critic Gene Lees remarked with prophetic authority in these same liner notes that the record captured “a strangely appropriate blend” and that “anything so valid had to survive.” Even though it arrived during a smallish bossa nova fad, the purposefully sensual ambiance of Getz/Gilberto rejected the larger trajectory of the moment in which it was made, and its very rebelliousness make it a sixties record. And yet, its reinvigoration of the simpler melodies and relaxed tempos that marked cool jazz nearly a decade earlier make it nostalgic for post-war normalcy. Like all great art, Getz/Gilberto defies easy categorization and remains a kingdom unto itself. Like all great art, I marvel that it exists.

*

One Saturday morning I refused the groggy pleas for cartoons. My young sons—then two and four—sensed in the pre-dawn haze that I was hardly vertical, and that anything I said was likely to come out as a growl. My wife, obliterated and finally sound asleep, had been ripped awake a half-dozen times throughout the night, cajoling our little tussler to quit whimpering and please, give it up and rest. So we three boys exchanged nothing but a few telegraphic whispers. I turned the blinds for light that wasn’t there. I lit some candles. Lucky Charms. Orange juice. My mug made dull clinks as the coffee spoon swirled cream and sugar into steam. Standing by my clunky, gargantuan turntable—the one my father bought from his father, a Sears salesman, before I was born—there was only one record I wanted. I wanted it low, barely audible, an atmosphere. I wanted its warm hiss to bring us back.

—Adam Tavel

#448: The Police, "Synchronicity" (1983)

I know a thing about obsession, and the kind of love a person should be embarrassed to admit to. I know about being eviscerated, those selfsame rhythms, offering myself up again and again. I know a thing about confession.

A couple weeks ago, I stayed up with someone I love, and when it got late enough, the snow that was supposed to come started falling. We watched it caught in the porch light through his kitchen window. I stood in front of the table by the window and he stood beside me, and we didn’t touch and neither of us spoke, and what I felt in that moment was the most tenuous sort of awe, at how perfect that moment was, and that night, and how sad it was that it would pass. How sad, how sad: all the things we cannot keep.

“Every Breath You Take” is one of the first songs I remember being confused by. I couldn’t figure out if it was romantic or unnerving, and I got the feeling, as I listened, that the singer should be embarrassed by the force of his desire. It seemed, certainly, like a love song, but not one I’d like to have sung to me, or one I’d like to sing myself. I couldn’t tell if we were supposed to identify with or feel sympathy for or pity or fear him—the answer, I realize now, is yes. Yes and yes and yes.

When we write, when we create, we both are and are not ourselves. We could never fit all of life onto a page or into a song: tensions are identified, amplified, and a character is built, and an arc is chosen, and then the art takes on its own dimensions and its own identity. We understand: love, sometimes, makes stalkers of us, and this is the story of the song but it’s not the whole story.

Last night, I smoothed his hair across his forehead, and very, very softly, I insisted: You can’t hurt me anymore, when you say you don’t want me I simply won’t believe it.

I know this is, in some ways, deranged, but is it not also human, to sometimes be unhinged by the strength of one’s own feeling, and what is love if not a kind of faith, and is there anyone who truly knows where lies the line between faith and delusion?

Illustration by Annie Mountcastle

Illustration by Annie Mountcastle

I spent a lot of time wondering about love before I ever loved anyone, and I’ve spent a lot of time wondering about love after having loved, and I spend a lot of time wondering about love when I’m in love, and when I think of people, of human nature, of the grief and the solace at the center of our lives, I think of love. I wonder if this is absurd. I wonder if this is a character flaw. I wonder why it is, that I’ve always seen the world like this: there is the love, and there are the things we do to fill the space around and between the love. It is the love that pains us, but it is the love that makes us whole.

I want to apologize for my romanticism; this is how I’ve always been. My happiness is unbearable and my loneliness is unbearable and my boredom is unbearable, and sometimes I hate my own extremism, my dramatics, my sensitivity, my inability to maintain an even keel—but it is, mostly, I think, a blessing, to feel so much. To be vulnerable and to be alive.

I wonder, even now, if I’m misreading the whole thing—if I identify with the song but shouldn’t, if I feel a pang of recognition at that ugly sort of desperation that I shouldn’t feel or, if I feel it, admit to. But we all hold within us some ugliness and some desperation and a good deal of fear, and there is comfort in that, I think, to identify with one another through our imperfections. And it’s a good thing, the art that unnerves us because we recognize our own flaws within it. That community is a comfort: if we must sometimes be ugly and desperate, we must sometimes be ugly and desperate. Let us admit it. And so we forgive ourselves, and forgive the ones we love, and forgive the world for its difficulty and forgive our lives for their countless imperfections and we go on and on hoping for the best and the good things come and the bad things come and the good things come again.

—Katelyn Kiley

#449: Big Star, "Third/Sister Lovers" (1978)

I.

…that night, David came home and watched his brother shoot up. It wasn’t David’s intent to watch Chris shoot up, he simply came home, walked into his brother’s bedroom and saw what he saw—the end of a rubber strap in his brother’s teeth, the needle breaking skin. In such a situation, what can a brother do? He can let it happen then send his brother away, to France, to…

II.

…broke up before naming the album. The album is an orphan: nameless, bandless, and with no true track listing. Some say it’s Alex’s solo album, and maybe they’re right. It’s a lost album, born of booze and pills, deemed uninteresting and unmarketable by all the labels who heard it. Deemed too grim, too disturbing until it was found and disseminated four years later by…

III.

…that Chris left Big Star because of the frustrating failure of #1 Record, which, despite positive reviews, was a commercial flop. Chris breaks down. There are fist fights, attacks, broken windows. When the dust settles, Chris is at Mid-South, psychiatric and rehab, and Big Star is…

IV.

…sings, “Jesus Christ was born today / Jesus Christ was born,” and it isn’t quite a Christmas song, and it isn’t quite southern religion, and nobody quite knows what to make of it, but there it is, smack dab between “Big Black Car” and…

V.

…meets with Alex, wants to help his old friend fix the wrecked album that nobody wants to release. Maybe a new running order, brighter production, a few swapped-out songs. Chris and Alex also talk about maybe collaborating together, again, but…

VI.

…is sixteen, he records “The Letter” with The Boxtops. In 1967, the song becomes a massive hit around the world. See him lip-synch on Up Beat, that tambourine, heartthrob thigh-slap. See his sly smile, acknowledging the absurdity of the non-performance. See that sultry-eyed, pout-sing of angular face—more twenty-six than sixteen—framed by waves of brown hair. In the eyes of the marketplace, this is his peak. A few years later, Alex leaves The Boxtops and meets Chris at Ardent, in Memphis, who…

VII.   

“…night I tell myself
‘I am the cosmos, I am the wind.’
But that don’t get you back…”

VIII.

…convinces the members of Big Star, excluding Chris, to reunite for a convention of music critics. Richard Melzer introduces the band: “Well, puke on ya momma’s pussy! Here’s Big Star!” And the critics adore them. And Big Star is reborn. When the band goes to work on what will become Radio City, there are songs that belonged to Chris, they are absorbed...

IX.

...unfortunate, and jarring use of “holocaust” as an adjective, as if that word somehow hadn’t been imbued with horrific connotations by the weight of history. He sings, “You’re a wasted face, you’re a sad-eyed lie / You’re a…”

X.

...the time David flies Chris to Europe, he has already recorded “I am the Cosmos” and “You and Your Sister,” the latter of which includes contributions from Alex on backing vocals. Most of the rest of what will eventually become Chris’s posthumous solo album, I Am the Cosmos is recorded on this trip, at the Chateau D'Herouville in France. Maybe Chris knew that, back home, back across the Atlantic, Alex, too, was recording new songs, that, too, wouldn’t be…

XI.

…records songs obliterated on whiskey and Mandrax then comes back to the studio in the middle of the night to fuck with what he’s recorded. His girlfriend is a senior in high school. She helps write, records some vocals, most of which are long gone. Sometimes the couple’s fights turn physical. One night, they are found…

XII.

…songs are a mix of sad-sack, songs of unrequited love, sad-sack breakup songs, sad-sack songs about depression, and not-so-sad-sack songs about spiritual salvation. “Look up, look up,” Chris sings, “He’s the light.” Chris sings, “Waiting to love you / Waiting to…”

XIII.

…there was the tour that prefaced the recording of Big Star’s third album, the East Coast tour where the gigs that weren’t cancelled were barely attended, and Alex…

XIV.

…of accidents happen within a mile of one’s home or…

XV.

...a big year for fans of Big Star, as it saw the release of an alleged, “intended” version of the album, now called Third/Sisters Lovers, as well as the release of Chris Bell’s I Am the Cosmos, two albums, lost and failed, tentative and parallel, drowned in the murk of whatever foul hex hung over Big Star and Alex and Chris until market forces and time allowed

XVI.

…the “album’s” release, Chris wraps his Triumph TR-6 …

XVII.

…sings, “Get me out of here / I hate it here.” On “I Am the Cosmos,” Chris sings, “I’d really like to see you again.” On “Big Black Car,” Alex sings, “Driving in my big black car / Nothing can go wrong.” On “There Was a Light,” Chris sings…

—James Brubaker

#450: Jackson Browne, "For Everyman" (1973)

For Everyman opens with a small surprise that time has sharpened: a cover of the Eagles’ “Take It Easy.” Not a cover, exactly, since Jackson Browne co-wrote it with Glenn Frey and was entitled to joint custody. But the Eagles had already hit with it, and the verdict of four decades has made it even more emphatically theirs. So now it is a pleasant change of pace to hear Jackson’s version, even if the song doesn’t quite fit him. Lighten up while you still can? Don’t even try to understand? That’s not what we look to Browne for. We want him to take it seriously, think deeply about it, and turn it into easy (but not too easy) listening. And so he does. His version of the song is more taut, less exuberantly soaring. Those Eagles three-part harmonies are gone, replaced by two-part harmonies on the chorus that are full of open-sounding fourth and fifths and that feel less confidently jubilant, more anxious. The minor chords sound more prominent here, and the giddy, banjo-fueled coda of the Eagles’ version is gone, replaced by a slow fade that doesn’t quite fade but instead segues into the next song. The two songs overlap, in fact, although they were apparently recorded separately, with different musicians. It’s a neat trick, one Browne repeats at the end of the album.

That second song inhabits more familiar Jackson Browne terrain. “Our Lady of the Well” finds him measuring the distance between himself and Mariaan ex-lover?between his life and hers, his country and hers. She is presumably Mexican; he has come across the sand to find her among her “people in the sun / Where the families work the land, as they have always done.” He views her life sentimentally but realizes that his “heart remains among” the people he has left behind, and he must return to them. Not that we expected him to stay and work the land. Still, we are glad he has gotten some perspective on his life, and the song ends with a promise to show her what he has made: “It’s a picture for our lady of the well.” All’s well that ends well.

Or not quite, because the next song opens with an ominous, modal-sounding, sequence and our hero seems to be trapped in some kind of dreamscape (“Picking for a coin / Many other tiny worlds / Singing past my hand.”), or maybe still in Mexico (he says goodbye to Joseph and Maria at one point, suggesting some connection to the previous song). I can’t make much sense of all this, but the chorus is pretty, and Don Henley contributes some lovely high harmony. He is buried in the mix, however (revenge?), so that one cannot recognize his distinctive voice.

Next comes “I Thought I Was a Child,” which opens with a delicate piano solo by Bill Payne of Little Feat, joined eventually by David Lindley’s guitar. When Browne enters, however, his vocal sounds flat, both in terms of pitch and emotion. One notable feature of Browne’s pre-Pretender albums is how little reverb there is on the vocals. It is as if, striving for directness and honesty and bareness, he has eschewed all studio trickery. But here the vocals could stand a little beefing up, and anyone who knows Bonnie Raitt’s slightly slicker cover of this song (also 1973) feels again the inferiority of Browne’s versionor, perhaps, feels the absence of a producer on For Everyman.

Side one closes with a statement of sorts, a version of “These Days,” written by Browne at age sixteen and first recorded by Nico in 1967. On her Chelsea Girl it is an arty, folky ballad, with finger-picked guitar, a string quartet, and Nico’s flat, affectless delivery. That brittle take on the song is replaced here by a slower, more soulful arrangement that the album announces is “inspired by Gregg Allman.” Allman had covered the song on his 1973 solo album Laid Back, and I guess Browne liked the arrangement and copied it. It doesn’t quite come together for me as an anthem, although the interplay between Browne’s voice and Lindley’s slide guitar is compelling–something like what you get with Ron Wood and Rod Stewart on Rod’s first few solo albums. And the song moves prettily, poignantly back and forth between its major and minor chords. The best moment, though, comes with the song’s last words: “Don’t confront me with my failures / I had not forgotten them.” But the final minute and a half of slide-guitar noodling is anti-climacticpure self-indulgence on Lindley’s part.

Side two kicks off with “Redneck Friend,” one of what Nick Hornby has called Browne’s “limp, hapless, thankfully rare attempts to rock out.” I find this rocking out perfectly convincing, however. Jim Keltner is unimpeachable on drums, and Elton John (a.k.a. “Rockaday Johnnie”) does his best Jerry Lee Lewis impression. Lindley’s slide guitar is laid on thick, but it doesn’t weigh things down, and Browne plausibly simulates someone capable of shaking, rattling, and rolling on down the line. Like Springsteen’s “Rosalita” (also 1973), the song invites a young lady to escape from her stifling parents and take off with the singer. I have some fears that “Redneck Friend” is an allusion to Browne’s penis“Rosie” on Running on Empty shows how he enjoys a penis jokebut maybe it’s just an invitation to hang out with Don Henley.

At this point, the rocking out ceases and we are back in mellow-ville. “Afternoons of smoke and wine” is a phrase from Browne’s first album, but I always associate it with “The Times You’ve Come.” This is another song that takes stock of an off-and-on romantic relationship; the details are not important. What matters is the bridge, in which suddenly Bonnie Raitt appears and harmonizes on the following lines: “Everybody’s going to tell you it’s not worth it / Everybody’s got to show you their own pain.” The final verse takes (again) a displeasingly post-coital turn (“Now we’re lying here / So safe in the ruins of our pleasure”), and one begins to suspect a pun on “come.” Yuck.

The puerility of such a pun, if there is one, sets the stage for “Ready or Not,” Browne’s supremely callow ode to an unplanned pregnancy. I hope the callowness is deliberate or “ironic,” but I doubt it. Still, the song stands as an artifact of casual seventies sexism and as proof that, even in the year of Roe v. Wade, abortion was not a viable outcome for characters in pop songs. Fortunately, the woman ends up “feeling better about it all the time,” and she willingly exchanges “all of her running around” for “some meaning.” By the song’s end, even the singer, who identifies himself as “a rock-and-roll band man,” is “thinking about settling down.” Isn’t that big of him?

From the ridiculous to the sublime. For Everyman’s penultimate song is my favorite. It’s the shortest song on the album, and it is somewhat overshadowed by the title track into which it segues, but it is a marvel of quiet intensity and aching lyricism. The ominous, brooding opening sounds a bit like that of “Darkness on the Edge of Town,” and while the song mostly just moves back and forth between two chords, the textures and flourishes are gorgeous. Is it just a coincidence that Joni Mitchell and her sometime-bassist Wilton Felder are playing on this cut? No. Her sinewy, barely audible electric piano is an essential dramatic element, especially at 2:22 when the song introduces a surprising new chord, and Joni provides a sly, ascending line to ornament it. She steals the show.

For me, at least, though probably not for every man. When an album’s last cut is its title track, you know you are in for a Statement (e.g., “The Pretender”). “For Everyman” provides it, one of Browne’s several meditations on the imminent earthquake/apocalypse (see also: “From Silver Lake,” “Before the Deluge,” “The Fuse”). It’s a nice mid-tempo number, with beautifully understated harmonies from the redoubtable David Crosby, and cascading drum fills from Russ Kunkel (we’re deep in James Taylor country here, with Leland Sklar on bass as well). What is the song’s, the album’s message? Something about everyman. Unlike in the medieval morality play of that title, Everyman here is more of a messiah figure than a representative of you and me. Or maybe they are one and the same? If he were writing for every man instead of waiting for him, it would make more sense. But when we’re easily listening, we care less about the sense than the sound.

Will Pritchard

#451: Amy Winehouse, "Back to Black" (2006)

I can’t think about Amy Winehouse without thinking about relapse and that terrible, rotten word, “potential,” a word I learned by context and repetition as my mother would shake her head in rueful wake of her marriage to my father. “He was really just so full of potential,” she would say, and press her lips together in a grimace shaped like a smile. “It’s really such a shame.”

Writing about addiction sucks. It’s a disease rife with campy sex appeal, a black star for dabbling survivors and the minimum amount of fodder that might make someone feel like they’ve got a real story to tell. And a rock star? A tragic love for that strung-out, cat-scratched husband? It’s the trifecta of cliche, nothing but booby traps. Because to talk about Amy Winehouse isn’t just to talk about her rich, dark voice, a sound all fire and smoke. She wasn’t as obsessed with her voice as we are: there’s endless footage of her producing a sound that would be face-flexing, soul-emptying, scrambling-the-cosmos kind of work for Adele, Beyonce, Sarah Vaughan. But she standsor, more often than not, sitswith that tiny, jerky jig in her shoulders and looks, on good days, bored; on bad days, comatose. Talent wasn’t her whole story.

There’s a school of thought that believes in parsing the artist from the art, and there are times when you’ll find me really digging in my heels on that side of the fence. But if there was ever an appropriate time to conflate a personal life with an album, it is Amy Winehouse’s Back to Black.

The album wrote itself, she said, amidst the wrenching ache of her not-yet-husband leaving her for his former girlfriend. She wanted to die. The songs cover the range of an off-and-on, drunken love: the messy spectrum of emotions, the contradictory ebbs and flows, all with a striking mix of a poet’s economy and precision for language. Lines that demand “What kind of fuckery is this?” and announce that “nowadays you don’t mean dick to me,” blend seamlessly into gut-wrenching soul even if the lyrics stand stark on the page. They’re honest, blunt words, exactly the sort you would use in the throes of reconciling a complicated break-up on the phone with your friends. Slang wedded with Motown, with a fresh R&B sound could be cheeky, if it wasn’t for the palpable anguish. “He left no time for regrets / kept his dick wet / with the same old safe bet,” opens the title track, a song that cuts to the quick for anyone who’s been left before. In the pause preceding the chorus break, with percussion like a heartbeat, she sings, “You go back to her / and I go back to black,” repeating “black” with the haunting resignation of someone realizing her own worst fears about herself. I’m gutted every time I hear it.

Illustration by Annie Mountcastle

Illustration by Annie Mountcastle

We have established specific methods with which to talk about love in songwriting, and Amy Winehouse ignores them completely. There is no timelessness, no buffing out details to make anything more universally relatable. My favorite example of this is “Just Friends,” a song that makes no strides to clear up the exact nature of a relationship that seems to involve at least another woman (“the guilt will kill you / if she don’t first”), and several people in the same living space (“it’s always dangerous when everybody’s sleeping”). But for anyone who has ever struggled with establishing a platonic nature with someone “off limits,” there are multiple parts of this short song that ring utterly on-point: diction about “safety” and “danger” when the stakes are simply whether or not to have sex; the seemingly conflicting but not mutually exclusive sentiments of “I’ll never love you like her” and “I wanna touch you; but that just hurts.”

Winehouse’s inclusion of drugs in her songwriting isn’t exactly flipping the bird at popular songwriting law, but it is certainly notable. Neither party favors nor jokes, drugs are the domestic stuff of her life, both the basis for a fundamental crack in the foundation of a relationship (“I love you much / it’s not enough / you love blow and I love puff”) and as ubiquitous and expected as furniture. In“Addicted,” we have a woman defiantly embracing her loneliness, in a classic stage in any burned lover’s recovery arsenal: to seize one’s abandonment and make it a choice. But she’s not really alone, not when she’s got something more potent and satisfying than any man had ever been: “Don’t make no difference if I end up alone / I’d rather have myself a smoke / my homegrown / it’s got me addicted / does more than any dick did.” Here, drugs aren’t just props; they’re supporting characters.

She’s been labeled a diva because to hear her sing is to be in the presence of a glorious,  all-powerful queen: she is Aretha, Etta, Galadriel. And that teased-out, streetside Cleopatra look? I can see how you could read it all as ego. But the truth is she really didn’t give two fucks about fame. She was increasingly flippant about her talent, acknowledging it as any domestic party trick, like being able to fold a fitted sheet into a perfect square. She didn’t seem to realize or care about the heft of the commodity she possessed—even half-pissed and wearing the same ratty ballet flats and street clothes she was photographed in for a week, she could stand up on stage next to Mick Jagger and be a typhoon of sound. Drug use is supposed to catalyze confidence: how many times have we heard a celebrity on a substance-fueled rant about how critical they are, how vital! Doesn’t the high make you immortal, light all your fires of self-importance? Blaze all the guns and beat every drum to the endless beat of yes yes yes. But when asked if she would be sorry to give up touring and making records in a 2007 Rolling Stone interview, she only shrugged: “I don’t want to be ungrateful. I know I’m talented, but I wasn’t put here to sing. I was put here to be a wife and a mom and look after my family. I love what I do, but it’s not where it begins and ends.”

A few weeks ago, my high school crush blew up Twitter with news of his overdose. I hadn’t kept up with him personally, but I watched the TV show he wrote for and cheered every time his recurring character, a dopey caricature of the sweet stoner boy I used to know, came on screen. In the days following his death, interviews surfaced where he spoke candidly about his addiction: it wasn’t a secret, featuring heavily in his standup material, but the interview I listened to was during a season of sobriety, humorless and straightforward. “I’m still trying to value my life,” he said. It’s almost surreal to hear someone say that so candidly, particularly someone whose life seems to overflow with everything we consider valuable: talent, success, fame, a thousand Twitter followers. But for me to assign worth to what I think did and didn’t matter in his life is insanewe each have a list of what enriches us, what makes us whole, regardless of what anyone else might value on our behalf. And to add a substance dependency into the mix is to throw the whole game into wild terrain. “The thing that happens with opiates if you stop taking them is you get fucking sick,” the interview ends. “...Now it’s like, oh I have to do this, I have to take drugs, or I’m not well.” To dismiss this as some weakness of character, some lack of discipline, is a reckless affront to our humanity.

What I hate about this notion of mourning the loss of someone’s potential is the idea that we as collective strangers could decide anything about this one woman’s life trajectory. It’s an infinitely judgemental way of dismissing the most straightforward and bald facts of a human reconciling her own existence, her own way. To say it’s such a shame that a woman who could do one thing well didn’t do it for fifty more years is to dismiss the work she has produced, not to mention her individual life as she lived it, her own loves and needs and struggles. “I wish I could say ‘no regrets’ / no emotional debts / and as we kiss goodbye the sun sets / but we are history,” she wrote, a comment on the endless forward momentum of living that feels, in the wake of her death, apocryphal. Maybe it’s a kind of coping, to lament the loss of this talent. But I also suspect there is a grain of deep disrespect for an individual’s immense and whole self, all the parts that swell and recede, that break and sometimes don’t repair. We cannot mourn the loss of some cloud-vision of what a million strangers have for an individual’s applied talents, not when we have albums like Back to Black to take us in, and cover us up.

—S.H. Lohmann

#452: John Prine, "John Prine" (1971)

           2. May, 2011 / Missoula, MT

We all eventually become whatever we pretend to hate.

—Chuck Klosterman

 

There is much more preparing to be done than you once would have expected. Here is what you once expected: to move delicately and with nothing but triumph into graduate school straight from your small southern undergraduate haven. To get into a top-tier writing school. To, you know, have it made the way you wanted it made.

But there is much more preparing to be done, now that the last rejection letter has arrived. I.e.: plan B. I.e.: who knows what now. You start at the basics: you’ve lived in the spectacular, confused Commonwealth of Virginia your entire life up to this point, so maybe it’s the right time to split. To get some perspective. You apply to occupations in all the places that seem the most opposite while remaining U.S.-bound (for family, significant other, fear of the foreign, name it): Washington, Idaho, Wyoming, Montana. Phone calls, applications. Two months later, you’re landing in Missoula, starting work next week.

You don’t know a soul; your roommates come care of Craigslist, the kind you might speak to on the phone just once before agreeing to the lease. Which you know a little about, because that’s what you’ve done. The airport taxi driver’s kindhe reminds you that this city’s the eleventh most difficult in which to find a job right now. But, he saysbut!when you visit, you might not leave. This man’s warped optimism is intriguing. You’re nervous for this new weird part of life, but still it feels right. Maybe necessary.

Missoula proves to be wide open and astounding, a city nestled on all sides by mountains that loom but welcome with gracious simultaneity, a college town that somehow avoids making year-rounders feel overrun. The strangest part is ironically the most familiar: a hungry, healthy music scene that’s all Appalachia, banjos and mandos and jaw harps. There’s an annual folk fest, local bars with house bands that don’t need amps. For you, right now, living this life, it’s everything you needed without ever imagining you might.

At this point, your own time in a band has come grinding to a halt. You had had differing ideas from your best friend and bandmate, and handled it poorly. He is still making music, album after album of smart, meaningful folk-rap recorded in analog and distributed hand-to-hand, but you don’t regret your absence. You can’t. You weren’t right for where it was headed; in the time since, you’ve taught yourself some hybrid of fingerpick ukulele-style guitar and you sing country songs sometimes on your porch like a stereotype and you’re content. Missoula, too, is perfect for this different kind of worthless noise, this sending soft acoustics into the big sky and thinking about a whole slew of nothing.

Illustration by Lena Moses-Schmitt

Illustration by Lena Moses-Schmitt

It’s unexpected, the way this becomes the perfect place to discover all the songs you once believed you had no space to take in. That is to say, all your dad’s old music: John Prine, Marty Robbins, Jackson Browne. Tapes he’d burn through in the Saturn, which turned into discs he kept his fat leather CD wallet meticulously stocked with. You’d slip your Discman on as soon as you were able to, in those years, turn the punk rock up to drown out “Sam Stone.” Why, then, is the song so wrenching to you now? Why, now, does your father’s life’s soundtrack come drifting to you? Who have you become?

For one, you catch on quick to John Prine being punk rock in ways people never admit but everyone who takes the time to pay attention understands. That is to say, in the same ways Dorothy Parker and Randy Newman and Stephen Colbert are punk rock: sneering, sarcastic, deceptively formulaic, still somehow thoroughly appealing. Prine’s first album seems like a bunch of country-folk Gram Parsons stuff, and from the outside, that’s precisely what it is. The thing’s predominantly acoustic; there’s pretty much no drums. Dude’s in all denim, sitting on a haystack on the album cover. For years, it pretty much screamed DAD. But listen closer, and the songs are rotten from the inside out, all wasted promises and heroin addiction and old folks left to die alone. The record’s biggest love song is mostly about masturbation. It doesn’t take long to get it: this guy’s pissed off, desolate, and holy shit is he a damn fine songwriter.

Your dad’s a good man. Chatty, easygoing, and above all else, more and more supportive as the years go on. You don’t really need Prine in the way some sons or bitter writers might need a connector to get closer to their fathers; as your Virginia-bred father’s father might put it, y’all solid. But all the same, you’ve come to the music when it seemed to suit you best. It feels like home, like memory embodied in a single nasally voice, like all the time you spent blocking things out you only wasted. When you’re home from Montana for Christmas, you tell your dad you’ve burned some of his CDs and can’t stop listening. Oh yeah? he says. I love that stuff. Simple as that.

Late spring in Montana is early summer elsewhere. The snow’s mostly melted by Memorial Day, and though the nights still bluster, it’s a far more familiar flannel-and-jacket kind of chill, warm enough at least to have a beer on the back deck and pick at your guitar. Which you know a little bit about, because it’s exactly what you do. Your roommates, four women, current or ex-trail maintainers for the state’s Conservation Corps, very funny, very badass, want you to play something they can sing. No, not just something: John Prine’s “Paradise,” a sort of “Big Yellow Taxi” for the far more jaded. Someone brings out her laptop to get the chords and lyrics just right, another her mandolin to play along. You don’t like to sing, hardly play music for anyone in any form much anymore. But this is a good song and these are good people. The backyard chickens peck at the ground, the housecat stalking them with questionable intentions. By August you’ll be gone, back in Virginia at summer’s end, and yes, it’s true: grad school bound. But wouldn’t it be nice to stay like this forever? Sitting here, ensconced by mountains, stumbling through folk songs and turning slowly, happily into your father? Wouldn’t it feel right to keep growing old forever?

—Brad Efford

#453: EPMD, "Strictly Business" (1988)

  1. October, 2004 / Annandale, VA

There is much more preparing to be done than you once would have expected. You’ve rewired a half-busted mid-size Marshall so you can play a mini practice amp straight through it. This is to say, when you modulate the smaller unit’s treble knob, the sound emanating from the Marshall is a dying ghost horse, a 5-0 cruiser with a shattered siren, an infant from the seventh circled recesses of Hell. Amp-fed feedback driven in a loop through a series of cords you have to diagram to be able to have any chance of replicating. It’s Metal Machine Music with some semblance of slight direction: you tie a rope onto the practice amp so you can sling it around your neck and play it like a bona-fide instrument. Like a real musician. You try it out, twist the knobs, revel in the squealing, invent your own kind of rock star, be him for a minute.

The show’s outside on a cold Friday night in November. Some senior with a back deck and parents in absentia. Like usual, there’s no game plan. You’ll go, improvise noise, get the crowd writhing, shout non-sequiturs through a microphone. Your crew’s got certain prereqs that have led to certain notorieties: always play first, never play for longer than fifteen minutes, let join anyone who wants to, make a lot of fucking noise. The other bands on the bill are both local and visiting, a mix of the familiar and unknown, which means half the kids here have experienced your shows before, and half have no clue what they’re in for.

For what it’s worth: Ol’ Dirty Bastard has just died of an overdose of cocaine and tramadol. You are sixteen years old and spend most of your time either working at a record store, buying CDs, or poring over liner notes. Sometimes, you make lists of your favorite albums or manipulate walls of feedback in your room until your stepmom pounds on your door. You’ve discovered Merzbow and Captain Beefheart, Ayler and Fahey and Kool Keith. And 36 Chambers. You debate the verses every chance you get, pick apart ODB’s the most. His death is unsurprising but enormous. It leaves a hole that you know can probably never be filled; such is the way with iconoclasts.

Illustration by S.H. Lohmann

Illustration by S.H. Lohmann

You’re new to hip hop, but gobbling it quickly, finding the pockets that stick with you the most. Post-Rakim crews and duos, mostly, EPMD to Tribe to the Pharcyde. Very soon, your band will largely forsake the trappings of noise for turntables and samplers and a used 808, sometimes writing rhymes, sometimes improvising for the hell of it. You will never excel at thisat any of it. You’ll think back fondly to the anarchy of this show, of tonight.

There is no beginning, in any logical sense of the word, to tonight’s performance. A guitar is strummed to make sure the amp’s on. You push a button on the toy casio you’ve been assigned for the night to get a generic pre-programmed drumbeat going. It might sound something like a samba in any other context. Someone’s on the amp-to-amp feedback machine you helped craft just nights beforeit starts up, and the volume is enormous, almost hair-raising, undeniably electrifying. You’ve taken over the high back deck while the crowd mingles on the lawn below, some laughing, some strained, some slamming together in some semblance of a mosh pit. For the next ten minutes, you will change the drumbeat with no discernible pattern and play notes when or if ever you feel like it. What you do, mostly, is irrelevant, though necessary, the structure of the band such that the only implied rule is to do before thinking, to follow the stream in any direction. For a sixteen-year-old, it’s nothing less than magic. And somewhere around the midpoint of the show, the rabbit’s pulled straight from the hat.

It begins benignly enough. A new beat has settled in behind glistening guitar feedback and a running tape of animal sounds, a slower beat, if not danceable then definitely, maybe, grooveable. Your best friend and frontman gets on the microphone. All right, so you know that this is all about ODB, he intones, pausing only long enough for you to catch the invisible cue to start playing a worthless two-note keyboard riff. So we’re gonna rip up one of his joints right now.

He gives it another beat, leaves the crowd waiting—most trying to decipher what he was saying through the cacophonous mash, perhapsthen starts in viciously on “Shimmy Shimmy Ya.” From any other angle, it must make no sense: a band of unshowered high school no-ones either utterly without talent or the desire to use the talent they do possess toward anything resembling artistic linearity somehow drawing cheers from a crowd by covering a forgotten semi-hit from an early nineties hip hop collective spinoff who had all but become a depressing clip-show joke before dying far too young only days earlier. And it works somehow. And it makes no sense.

The show itselffour or five bands on the bill, at the start of the eveningis over after all of ten minutes. The cops have circled the neighborhood a couple times and are now at the front door. On the tape, afterward, you will listen again and again to the chaotic winding-down of this moment. Two squad cars just drove by, someone says, the sound of his voice mostly masked by a gauze of noise. Turn it off. Then suddenly frantic: Turn it off! You try, but hit the wrong button on your Casio, accidentally initiate a telephone-ringing sound effect. The other instruments are quickly shut down, but the telephone keeps ringing; you can’t figure out how to silence it. A bandmate, mic in hand, latches on, hollers, Hello? Hello?! Is this the five-oh?!

The absurdity of it hangs in the air. Kids laugh: the ones on deck and those bound to the lawn below. The party’s host is now inside conversing with uniformed officers, and it feels good to let the squealing after-effects of the last ten minutes nestle into your ears and just laugh. Later, years later, you will flex DJ leg-work on a level beyond improvisation, scratching and sampling and listening again and again to all the old albums that continue to shake your brain, never quite succeeding, having the time of your life despite it all, but tonight will always be a monolith. The night you brought back ODB, brought tumult to the suburbs, blue fuzz and all.

—Brad Efford