As the inauguration of President-elect Donald Trump approaches, many citizens are wondering how Trump’s policies will affect the lives of everyday Americans. The administration has already created a flurry of question marks surrounding issues like foreign policy, healthcare, domestic spending, the environment, etc. As Americans brace for dramatic change, one question has emerged above all others: What does the election of Donald J. Trump mean for the future of Blood, Sweat & Tears’ 1968 debut album, Child is Father to the Man?
In an attempt to offer guidance on this, the most pressing issue of our time, I offer the following 20 potential outcomes:
1. Horns will likely be reduced in mix as horn players tend to have large, dexterous hands.
2. The Harry Nilsson-penned song “Without Her” will be reimagined by Ted Nugent as a Hillary Clinton diss track. In it, Nugent will rhyme “she-male” with “e-mail.”
3. In 2018, the album will celebrate its 50th anniversary. Rhino Records will release a 10-CD deluxe Child is Father to the Man: Complete Studio Recordings box set. Critical reception will be mixed as Pitchfork names the record Best New Reissue while Rolling Stone, Paste, and All Music are destroyed by global thermonuclear war.
4. David Fricke will upload his consciousness to the internet. It will then begin bombarding millions of cellphones with 1,000-word SMS think pieces about how John Simon’s production style changed from his work on Simon and Garfunkel's Bookends to Child is Father to the Man and how this shift mirrors our own interior shifts under a newly oppressive regime.
5. Prior to the 2018 mid-term elections Russian hackers will once again breach the DNC and expose e-mails in which Bernie Sanders calls Al Kooper’s arrangements “weak af.”
6. The song “My Days Are Numbered” will become even more ominous.
7. Smooth, chill saxophone solos will sound more like nervous, sad saxophone solos.
8. Due to a reduction in federal income tax rates, Kanye West will have enough money to not simply sample this record but buy the entire thing and release it as a whole under his own name as Kanye is Father to Man. This same tax cut will destroy public education.
9. A newly resurgent Boomer generation will send Child is Father to the Man and Viagra sales skyrocketing.
10. To avoid name confusion, Blood, Sweat & Tears and Earth,Wind & Fire will be merged into one super group: Blood, Earth, Sweat, Wind & Fire & Tears. Experts agree this will save us all time.
11. White people will continue to overestimate the diversity of the group Blood, Sweat & Tears.
12. Something will be done about the name. A child cannot be father to a man. It would be like saying Eric was Donald’s father. Such frivolity will likely not be tolerated in the Trump administration.
13. In 2019, Metallica will sue Apple Music and effectively destroy the current streaming model. In the wake of CD players being all but obsolete, vinyl sales for Child is Father to the Man will eclipse their 1960’s totals. However, it will be difficult for most Americans to hear music as Amazon will be beaming advertisements directly into their cerebral cortex.
14. Digital renderings of the album will lose audio fidelity as your phone or computer will be unable to maintain audiophile sound output while simultaneously recording your thoughts and actions.
15. Teens will discover that if you play the opening track, “Overture,” backwards and light a candle, you’ll hear messages from Satan about how student loans are a good idea.
16. Donald Trump, Jr. will dismissively refer to the group as “Buttsweat and Tears” during a controversial appearance on SportsCenter.
17. The United States Senate will label the post-Sgt. Pepper 1960s an unfortunately decadent era of sonic expression. The eclectic Child is Father to the Man will gain increased underground popularity as Mike Pence publicly laments Al Kooper and Steve Katz’s stylistic shift away from their formerly conventional “The Blues Project.” Steely Dan will be named the national band of the United States of America.
18. The song “I Love You More Than You’ll Ever Know” will be renamed “I Love You. It’s Tremendous. You Can’t Even Imagine. So Much.”
19. High-level Democrats will call an emergency session of Congress and attempt to pass a joint resolution condemning President Trump for using his entire first State of the Union speech to practice the Blood, Sweat & Tears track “Just One Smile” on guitar live from the floor of the U.S. House of Representatives. The resolution will fail as House Republicans jockey to back up Trump on bass.
20. Blood, Sweat & Tears will be all you have left.
—Steven Casimer Kowalski